Oh God, don't tell me it's raining again. These thoughts passed my head this morning as I looked out the window at the gloomy London weather. Although, I was instantly comforted when I realized these were also the lyrics which I sang with pleasure when I was in a band. It was actually one of my favourites.
Ah, weather. I think it's obvious, but weather has such an affect on whether someone is in the mood for flirting. And, according to my research on flirting, one's mood is the biggest factor which affects one's desire to flirt. This correlation became even more obvious during our small bout of sunshine and warm weather, the one in which we were naively fooled into thinking the last of Winter was over and Spring was upon us.
During this small period of flirting frenzy, I looked around me and noticed there were actually human beings underneath forms which I once thought were only thick coats and woolly hats. Let's face it, life is good when it's sunny. And I, for one, am ready for the honking cars and the random smiles again. Bring on the sun!
Friday, 28 March 2008
Flirting is fun and you get free stuff!
I still believe that the best flirting happens when it is motive-free. When someone has an agenda when flirting, whether it's to get a promotion, a date, or a discount, it just doesn't work. And, I guess, it all stems back from the fact that in order to feel the glow of a good flirting encounter, in all of it's majestic glory, it has to be about making the other person feel special. Without sounding too 'new-agey' it's only when you give freely that you can truly receive.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
How to cope with Valentine's day- Do something pseudo intellectual
Woman, representing Lust, tilting against a knight, from the Breviary of Renaud de BarThe Sassinator knows how to get me to accompany her to any event that she likes, simply by being sassy, and by saying words which she know will resonate with me and leaving out words that she know won't fly. Because of the words: British library, music, and wine, and 'forgetting' to mention 'pre-valentine's event for singles', means that I will be observing singles behaviour at the British library tonight. And, since I have given up men for lent, means I will be practicing harmless flirting...
Monday, 4 February 2008
The Game and its losers...
It had been a fabulous day, a much needed one, to break up the dreariness and gloom of a January in London. I had spent the afternoon lunching and laughing with my one of my favourite people, my amazing book agent, only to be followed by a long overdue cake and catch up with one of my oldest London friends (whom, incidentally, I had met on the Northern line seven years ago).
As I made my way up the tube escalator of my home station, a man behind me said, “Can I ask you your opinion about a new business idea?” Always happy to brainstorm ideas with a budding entrepreneur, I said “Sure, let’s hear it.” He told me the basics. His idea had to do with setting up a dating service for strangers to meet on the tube. Maybe this should have been my first cue to be suspicious? As I asked him some general questions, such as, had he done any research to prove that there was actually a need for this service, because for myself, I offered, I actually enjoyed the quiet time on the tube to read my newspaper, he said that he had ‘loads’ of research. I asked him what his sample size was and he assured me that ‘millions’ of people wanted this service. It was his impossibly high sample size, the fact that he didn’t seem to be listening at all to my business suggestions, and the fact that he seemed to be more interested in where I was from, than anything else, that soon alerted me to his real motives. He needed a jolt back into reality. “Are you trying to chat me up, or do you really want my business advice?” I asked him. A bit surprised to have been found out, he told me that although he could ‘chat me up if he wanted, because he was a confident guy’ he only wanted my business advice. He then proceeded to interrupt me, cut me off, and talk about anything else. After asking me for my card and a polite, “I don’t think so” from me, I said good-bye and left.
There is only one conclusion. As confirmation to my friend’s suspicions at our champagne Sunday, this guy has been reading The Game: He is also the perfect example of why it doesn’t work. First of all, it’s not genuine. Women can spot a fake a mile away. And, contrary to the first rule of flirting, this interaction didn’t make me feel good. This is what flirting is all about! The interaction was completely one-sided. It was all about him, and whether he felt that he could impress me. Telling me how great he was, doesn’t usually do the trick. And, finally, he wasn’t comfortable, even though he was trying to fake it by telling me how ‘confident’ he was. Guys, this is not effective flirting! He would have done much better if he has approached me in an open and honest way, even simply saying, “Hello, you are looking lovely today.”
I sent my friend a text, confirming her suspicions about how flirtiness is being replaced by (pseudo) smoothness. I don’t like it one bit, and I am sure that I am not alone. Leave the smoothness for the New Yorkers or the Parisians. They are better at it and have much more experience. Don’t tamper with the shy, sweet, awkwardness of the Londoners. And, while we’re at it, can someone please take me back to a time where The Game and its disciples didn’t exist?
As I made my way up the tube escalator of my home station, a man behind me said, “Can I ask you your opinion about a new business idea?” Always happy to brainstorm ideas with a budding entrepreneur, I said “Sure, let’s hear it.” He told me the basics. His idea had to do with setting up a dating service for strangers to meet on the tube. Maybe this should have been my first cue to be suspicious? As I asked him some general questions, such as, had he done any research to prove that there was actually a need for this service, because for myself, I offered, I actually enjoyed the quiet time on the tube to read my newspaper, he said that he had ‘loads’ of research. I asked him what his sample size was and he assured me that ‘millions’ of people wanted this service. It was his impossibly high sample size, the fact that he didn’t seem to be listening at all to my business suggestions, and the fact that he seemed to be more interested in where I was from, than anything else, that soon alerted me to his real motives. He needed a jolt back into reality. “Are you trying to chat me up, or do you really want my business advice?” I asked him. A bit surprised to have been found out, he told me that although he could ‘chat me up if he wanted, because he was a confident guy’ he only wanted my business advice. He then proceeded to interrupt me, cut me off, and talk about anything else. After asking me for my card and a polite, “I don’t think so” from me, I said good-bye and left.
There is only one conclusion. As confirmation to my friend’s suspicions at our champagne Sunday, this guy has been reading The Game: He is also the perfect example of why it doesn’t work. First of all, it’s not genuine. Women can spot a fake a mile away. And, contrary to the first rule of flirting, this interaction didn’t make me feel good. This is what flirting is all about! The interaction was completely one-sided. It was all about him, and whether he felt that he could impress me. Telling me how great he was, doesn’t usually do the trick. And, finally, he wasn’t comfortable, even though he was trying to fake it by telling me how ‘confident’ he was. Guys, this is not effective flirting! He would have done much better if he has approached me in an open and honest way, even simply saying, “Hello, you are looking lovely today.”
I sent my friend a text, confirming her suspicions about how flirtiness is being replaced by (pseudo) smoothness. I don’t like it one bit, and I am sure that I am not alone. Leave the smoothness for the New Yorkers or the Parisians. They are better at it and have much more experience. Don’t tamper with the shy, sweet, awkwardness of the Londoners. And, while we’re at it, can someone please take me back to a time where The Game and its disciples didn’t exist?
Monday, 28 January 2008
Are men actually playing 'The Game'?
'Have you noticed more men starting random conversations?', was the first subject up for discussion at our champagne Sunday soiree. I had to admit, that other than the kind offer ' to be my stalker', which was put forth to me as I was perusing the sandwich selection at Sainsbury's the other day, I hadn't really noticed higher numbers of men than usual beginning conversations. But then again, I wouldn't necessarily even notice. Starting harmless and short conversations is perfectly normal to me. It's fun. It's harmless. It makes the day go by more smoothly. I am American, after all. I believe that it is possible to share a nice and friendly conversation with someone without either party having an agenda, or at least the woman. (I'm not completely naive).
In fact, not only do I teach people how to 'naturally' begin conversations with people in their day to day lives, but one of the points that I stress on my Flirting and Walking Tours of London is not to have an agenda when you have a conversation with someone. If all the variables are in place, the timing, the chemistry, the body language, then something could very well could transpire as a bonus, but the beginning conversation should be motive-free. Not only can women smell agendas a mile away, but not having one makes the interaction more relaxed and less pressured. My challenge to you this week is to see if you can have a conversation with a fit stranger and not think about anything other than the conversation, and, get the thought of stalking your victim right out of your pretty little head.
In fact, not only do I teach people how to 'naturally' begin conversations with people in their day to day lives, but one of the points that I stress on my Flirting and Walking Tours of London is not to have an agenda when you have a conversation with someone. If all the variables are in place, the timing, the chemistry, the body language, then something could very well could transpire as a bonus, but the beginning conversation should be motive-free. Not only can women smell agendas a mile away, but not having one makes the interaction more relaxed and less pressured. My challenge to you this week is to see if you can have a conversation with a fit stranger and not think about anything other than the conversation, and, get the thought of stalking your victim right out of your pretty little head.
Thursday, 17 January 2008
A perfect match can only happen in tennis
The ubiquitous 'perfect' partner, the one who we are all faithfully searching for, and few dare to ask, 'Does he/she really exist?' For to do so, would be the equivalent of signing oneself up for a lifetime of eternal solitude. Quelle horreur!
A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.
We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.
A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.
We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Breaking the rules of 'The Game'
Forgive me if I sounds a little harsh, but I can't stand Neil Strauss. For those of you who don't know him, he is the author of The Game, a book which supposedly teaches men how to pull attractive women. My main beef with Neil is that he gives my beloved flirting a bad name. He represents and propagates flirting in a way which just isn't true.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
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