It seems, that except from the liberated, Stockholm females, and my friend Nicole, most women prefer the man to pay. From an anthropological perspective, her preference for him to pay could demonstrate his willingness to 'invest' in her and indicate if he will be generous with his resources in the future. From a personal perspective, unless he is a student, if he doesn't pay he is just plain stingy!
However, the issue is less about who should pay, and more about who wants to pay. I have often been asked to comment on radio shows about this issue; and, it's positioned as if paying is a burden, as in, who should have the chore of paying. Let's not forget that in many non-western cultures, such as Middle Eastern or South-East Asian , it is considered an honour to pay the bill. I have seen grown, Turkish men, one-step away from full-on combat in attempts to wrestle the bill from the other's hands. In South-East Asian culture, protocol is a bit easier to follow; the eldest member of the group is expected to pay.
So, forgetting about the 'shoulds', let's put it another way-Who wants to give the other a gift? Because, after all, buying someone dinner is another version of giving someone a present. This is why, whatever you do, DO NOT split the bill!!!! Splitting the bill, turns a perfectly, lovely evening, into a dinner transaction, and no one gets to feel good. Neither the person who paid and gave the gift, nor the person who had dinner bought for them, and received the gift.
Now, who wants to go out to dinner? All this writing has made me hungry!
Sunday 28 October 2007
Friday 26 October 2007
Graceful entrances and exits
My specialty is helping people learn how to approach others, which is something we do with vigor on my Friday night Flirting and Walking tours of London. Come on the tour, or have a private session with me, to learn more about this (yes, this is blatant self-promotion, but it is my blog after all. What better place?)
But for now, I would like to discuss the beauty of a graceful exit. Because, what I have come to realize, is that those who are comfortable exiting, are most likely to enter in the first place. In other words, if you know that you can comfortably and easily slide out of a conversation, you are much more likely to slide in.
I am referring mostly to you, lovely ladies, who go to great extremes to avoid being 'rude', by remaining in long conversations, that you have no desire to be in. I was helping out at a friend's singles party the other night and introduced a man and a woman. An hour later, I noticed they were still together. I went over to her and discreetly said, "So, it looks like it's going really well!" She replied "He's okay, not really my type though." When I asked why she hadn't moved on to talk to someone else she said because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Hmmm, which scenario would be the most likely to hurt his feelings? a) Have a seemingly interested woman hang around him for the whole party, and then (most likely) give her phone number at the end, and then (most likely) make up some excuse why she can't go out with him when he calls. OR b) After a few minutes of conversation say, "Well, it was really nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your evening!"
What some women fail to understand is that men would prefer to hear that the woman is not interested, at the beginning. We shouldn't necessarily assume that they like to be communicated with, the way that we do. As an example, at this same party, another man shared with me that he had been dancing with a woman, and after awhile she said to him,"I am going to get a drink and then, I am not coming back." Now, as women, we would be mortified if someone said this to us, but he thought it was 'absolutely brilliant' (his exact words as I recall).
The moral of the story is that women, your feelings are more important than a complete stranger's. Why would you sacrifice a good evening of socializing, because you are more concerned about the well-being of a random male (who, as it turns out, would prefer your upfront honesty) than your own needs and wants? In case someone takes what I am saying the wrong way, I feel somehow obligated to say stuff like, "But obviously, it's always nice to be nice, etc, etc." But at the end of the day, look after yourself as well!
But for now, I would like to discuss the beauty of a graceful exit. Because, what I have come to realize, is that those who are comfortable exiting, are most likely to enter in the first place. In other words, if you know that you can comfortably and easily slide out of a conversation, you are much more likely to slide in.
I am referring mostly to you, lovely ladies, who go to great extremes to avoid being 'rude', by remaining in long conversations, that you have no desire to be in. I was helping out at a friend's singles party the other night and introduced a man and a woman. An hour later, I noticed they were still together. I went over to her and discreetly said, "So, it looks like it's going really well!" She replied "He's okay, not really my type though." When I asked why she hadn't moved on to talk to someone else she said because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Hmmm, which scenario would be the most likely to hurt his feelings? a) Have a seemingly interested woman hang around him for the whole party, and then (most likely) give her phone number at the end, and then (most likely) make up some excuse why she can't go out with him when he calls. OR b) After a few minutes of conversation say, "Well, it was really nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your evening!"
What some women fail to understand is that men would prefer to hear that the woman is not interested, at the beginning. We shouldn't necessarily assume that they like to be communicated with, the way that we do. As an example, at this same party, another man shared with me that he had been dancing with a woman, and after awhile she said to him,"I am going to get a drink and then, I am not coming back." Now, as women, we would be mortified if someone said this to us, but he thought it was 'absolutely brilliant' (his exact words as I recall).
The moral of the story is that women, your feelings are more important than a complete stranger's. Why would you sacrifice a good evening of socializing, because you are more concerned about the well-being of a random male (who, as it turns out, would prefer your upfront honesty) than your own needs and wants? In case someone takes what I am saying the wrong way, I feel somehow obligated to say stuff like, "But obviously, it's always nice to be nice, etc, etc." But at the end of the day, look after yourself as well!
Monday 22 October 2007
I'm not flirting, I'm just being friendly!
Flirting should be spontaneous, light hearted, and in the moment. I learned this from spending countless hours researching and analyzing people, which, ironically, goes against the very nature of flirting. I also noticed that one’s definition will vary, depending on gender or culture.
The Parisians see it as a game, New Yorkers as light hearted fun, Londoners as a playful communication and Stockholmers as an exciting interaction, most often occurring after inhumane amounts of alcohol. Generally speaking, men see flirting more as a means to an end, and woman, as a way of communicating.
London and Stockholm males had the most difficult time differentiating between when a woman was flirting or just being friendly. But, as one Parisian male put it, "The only time we (Parisians) are being friendly instead of flirting is when we don't find the woman attractive." Assuming that has not answered your question, the most common distinction between the two levels is the presence of a sexual undertone. Thankfully, this is usually a two-way street. If you are feeling it, then she probably is too! The other difference is the amount of touching. If the female is touching you alot, it most likely means that she is flirting, rather than being friendly. But, I must warn you, that this is not a steadfast rule. So please don't blame me if a rather tactile lady happens to be stroking your arm, which leads you make a move, and you happen to have misjudged. Oh well, is what I would say. There are certainly worse things that could happen!
The Parisians see it as a game, New Yorkers as light hearted fun, Londoners as a playful communication and Stockholmers as an exciting interaction, most often occurring after inhumane amounts of alcohol. Generally speaking, men see flirting more as a means to an end, and woman, as a way of communicating.
London and Stockholm males had the most difficult time differentiating between when a woman was flirting or just being friendly. But, as one Parisian male put it, "The only time we (Parisians) are being friendly instead of flirting is when we don't find the woman attractive." Assuming that has not answered your question, the most common distinction between the two levels is the presence of a sexual undertone. Thankfully, this is usually a two-way street. If you are feeling it, then she probably is too! The other difference is the amount of touching. If the female is touching you alot, it most likely means that she is flirting, rather than being friendly. But, I must warn you, that this is not a steadfast rule. So please don't blame me if a rather tactile lady happens to be stroking your arm, which leads you make a move, and you happen to have misjudged. Oh well, is what I would say. There are certainly worse things that could happen!
The social order of things-Dublin Style
The Irish combination of camaraderie, jovial spirits and large groups, produced a unique flirting phenomenon. When it came to chatting up women, one member would defer to other group members in a hierarchical-like scale. At first glance I thought they chose the order of hierarchy according to looks, because of the way they referred to each other. For example, a couple guys in one group, at separate times, referred to another member of their group as ‘the handsome’ one. Not only was it the first time that night that they were actually being serious, but it also goes to show if he was the ‘good looking one’, than beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder; especially, if the beholders were two, slightly inebriated, ruddy complected, Irish men.
I noticed this deference again while talking to a guy from a different group. His friend came over to us and was traditionally better looking than the guy I was in conversation with. I thought that this was the reason why the first guy took a visible step away from me, as a sort of ‘offering’ to his friend. (I am not saying I approved, but just what I observed). When comparing notes, my friend said she also noticed a few examples of this behaviour as well.
I never came to any final conclusions that particular night, but six months later, when conducting my Dublin flirting interviews, I was anxious to see if my initial instincts had been correct. Every Irish male I interviewed conferred with me. They all admitted to doing it, but had never actually been consciously aware of it. Although, they said the hierarchy had nothing to do with looks, but more with ‘whose turn it was’. One explained it by saying, “If a friend and I both liked the same girl, it would come down to whose fair dues it was.” They all admitted to ‘taking one for the team’ on occasion, by giving up talking to a girl they liked so their friend could talk with her. As one Irish male interviewee pointed out, the mentality was ‘if one of us wins, we all win.’ And coming from an individualistic, capitalistic society where the mentality is “winner takes all” it was very refreshing. I just hope the effects of the ‘economic tiger’
won’t infiltrate this community flirting attitude.
I noticed this deference again while talking to a guy from a different group. His friend came over to us and was traditionally better looking than the guy I was in conversation with. I thought that this was the reason why the first guy took a visible step away from me, as a sort of ‘offering’ to his friend. (I am not saying I approved, but just what I observed). When comparing notes, my friend said she also noticed a few examples of this behaviour as well.
I never came to any final conclusions that particular night, but six months later, when conducting my Dublin flirting interviews, I was anxious to see if my initial instincts had been correct. Every Irish male I interviewed conferred with me. They all admitted to doing it, but had never actually been consciously aware of it. Although, they said the hierarchy had nothing to do with looks, but more with ‘whose turn it was’. One explained it by saying, “If a friend and I both liked the same girl, it would come down to whose fair dues it was.” They all admitted to ‘taking one for the team’ on occasion, by giving up talking to a girl they liked so their friend could talk with her. As one Irish male interviewee pointed out, the mentality was ‘if one of us wins, we all win.’ And coming from an individualistic, capitalistic society where the mentality is “winner takes all” it was very refreshing. I just hope the effects of the ‘economic tiger’
won’t infiltrate this community flirting attitude.
Where has all the craic gone?
From my research gathered in my International Flirting Study, I noticed a unique characteristic amongst the Irish. They had a tendency to go out in enormous, single-sex groups, but with the groups freely mixing back and forth. When I asked why people always went out in such large groups, the response was, “more craic!” This love of fun seems to be a strong factor which makes foreigners gravitate towards these people.
Although, I have noticed in more recent visits to Ireland, like any culture, the climate is changing. Economic success has had many effects on the Irish. Their isolated bubble of craic and drink has been forced to accommodate an influx of immigrants, all coming for the mighty Euro rather than the fun. Additionally, the economic success is causing a division among the Irish themselves. There is now the beginning of a class system which, traditionally, was something the Irish would have abhorred to as remnants from their acrimony towards previous British rule.
An example of this burgeoning class system is a sect of Dubliners, referred to as ‘D 4’, who have their own special accents that match their designer dresses. Some Irish also have resentment towards tourists. The Irish want the tourists’ Euros, yet are not happy with what they have to give up in exchange.
Having lived in a village on the west coast of Ireland, which was bombarded with tourists six months of the year, I can understand the sentiment of ‘leave us alone’; yet, when most of the village makes their livelihood from three months during the tourist season, there is also a strong dependence on them.
Let's hope they can find a solution between this difficult matrix of new found prosperity and virgin settlers to the Emerald Isle. Otherwise, where are we to go for craic?
Although, I have noticed in more recent visits to Ireland, like any culture, the climate is changing. Economic success has had many effects on the Irish. Their isolated bubble of craic and drink has been forced to accommodate an influx of immigrants, all coming for the mighty Euro rather than the fun. Additionally, the economic success is causing a division among the Irish themselves. There is now the beginning of a class system which, traditionally, was something the Irish would have abhorred to as remnants from their acrimony towards previous British rule.
An example of this burgeoning class system is a sect of Dubliners, referred to as ‘D 4’, who have their own special accents that match their designer dresses. Some Irish also have resentment towards tourists. The Irish want the tourists’ Euros, yet are not happy with what they have to give up in exchange.
Having lived in a village on the west coast of Ireland, which was bombarded with tourists six months of the year, I can understand the sentiment of ‘leave us alone’; yet, when most of the village makes their livelihood from three months during the tourist season, there is also a strong dependence on them.
Let's hope they can find a solution between this difficult matrix of new found prosperity and virgin settlers to the Emerald Isle. Otherwise, where are we to go for craic?
Tuesday 16 October 2007
Flirting tips: Use with caution....
The best flirts know how to make people feel good about themselves. This should be the main goal when flirting. It’s all about the other person, which you happen to get back ten-fold. Here are a few ways to be a good flirt:
1) Pay unique and genuine compliments to the other person. The more specific the compliment, the better. A generic “nice eyes” doesn’t have the same effect as “your eyes look amazing in with that shirt. I have never seen them look so green” It’s hard to portray this without seeming cheesy or artificial but, as a general tip, if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
2) Try building rapport with the other person by subtly mimicking their body language, tone of voice, rate of speech, etc. If they are speaking quickly, then you do the same. If they are sitting with their legs crossed, then you do it as well. It makes people feel comfortable when they are with someone who is “like” them.
3) Try to use the person’s name in the conversation. It’s been said the sweetest sound in the world is the sound of one’s own name. A recent article in Psychology today magazine reports people prefer the letters of the alphabet which appear in their own names, especially their first and last initials. Which is more powerful...”Hello” or “Hello Michelle” (assuming the person’s name is Michelle). Also, try to use “we” in your conversation when referring to you and the person you are with. It has the same effect as using their name. It creates a bond much more quickly.
4) Use touch when speaking with someone, but limit it to safe places such as shoulders and arms, and don’t over do it. Studies show waitresses who used touch got higher tips from their customers. Take your cues from the other person. Being comfortable with touch is linked to factors such as culture, family size, and whether someone is an introvert or extrovert, Some people love touch and some are uncomfortable with it. If you pat someone’s arm and they cringe, don’t take it personally. It probably means they aren’t comfortable with it.
5) Use all the approachability signals: open body language, lingering eye contact, and smiles.
6) Keep the conversation light and positive. No one wants to hear about your grandma’s recent hip surgery when you are flirting!
7) Flirting is fun! Don’t look upon flirting as something that you are forced to do, or as a means to an end. Be an agenda-less flirter. Don’t have a goal in mind. If a date or something else happens as a result, then look at it as a bonus. When flirting, everyone wins in the end. The only losers are those who don’t try...
8) Take the “reject” out of rejection. Don’t let someone’s lack of interest, and a stranger at that, affect your self worth. The uninterested party could be a puppy-kicking, axe murderer, and we let them shape our self concept? Don’t forget, the reason someone’s not interested could be purely situational. Maybe they are tired, married, in a bad mood, gay. Their personal circumstances have nothing to do with your fabulous self! And even if they aren’t interested, the next person will be. It’s numbers game. The more shots you take, the higher your percentage of scoring.
© Allureseminars 2007
1) Pay unique and genuine compliments to the other person. The more specific the compliment, the better. A generic “nice eyes” doesn’t have the same effect as “your eyes look amazing in with that shirt. I have never seen them look so green” It’s hard to portray this without seeming cheesy or artificial but, as a general tip, if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
2) Try building rapport with the other person by subtly mimicking their body language, tone of voice, rate of speech, etc. If they are speaking quickly, then you do the same. If they are sitting with their legs crossed, then you do it as well. It makes people feel comfortable when they are with someone who is “like” them.
3) Try to use the person’s name in the conversation. It’s been said the sweetest sound in the world is the sound of one’s own name. A recent article in Psychology today magazine reports people prefer the letters of the alphabet which appear in their own names, especially their first and last initials. Which is more powerful...”Hello” or “Hello Michelle” (assuming the person’s name is Michelle). Also, try to use “we” in your conversation when referring to you and the person you are with. It has the same effect as using their name. It creates a bond much more quickly.
4) Use touch when speaking with someone, but limit it to safe places such as shoulders and arms, and don’t over do it. Studies show waitresses who used touch got higher tips from their customers. Take your cues from the other person. Being comfortable with touch is linked to factors such as culture, family size, and whether someone is an introvert or extrovert, Some people love touch and some are uncomfortable with it. If you pat someone’s arm and they cringe, don’t take it personally. It probably means they aren’t comfortable with it.
5) Use all the approachability signals: open body language, lingering eye contact, and smiles.
6) Keep the conversation light and positive. No one wants to hear about your grandma’s recent hip surgery when you are flirting!
7) Flirting is fun! Don’t look upon flirting as something that you are forced to do, or as a means to an end. Be an agenda-less flirter. Don’t have a goal in mind. If a date or something else happens as a result, then look at it as a bonus. When flirting, everyone wins in the end. The only losers are those who don’t try...
8) Take the “reject” out of rejection. Don’t let someone’s lack of interest, and a stranger at that, affect your self worth. The uninterested party could be a puppy-kicking, axe murderer, and we let them shape our self concept? Don’t forget, the reason someone’s not interested could be purely situational. Maybe they are tired, married, in a bad mood, gay. Their personal circumstances have nothing to do with your fabulous self! And even if they aren’t interested, the next person will be. It’s numbers game. The more shots you take, the higher your percentage of scoring.
© Allureseminars 2007
Thursday 11 October 2007
What should I wear tonight? Skirts vs. trousers
At a recent seminar, a woman asked if men preferred women in skirts, over trousers. Generally speaking, I believe men like women in anything- or even more accurately, in less than anything! Most men could care less about the latest fashions, styles or designers. These are things that (some) women find important. I’m sure you have heard the phrase that women dress for other women.
Opinions are one thing, but hard data is another. Referring to the research I gathered in my latest International flirting study, one of the questions that I asked men was “Do you prefer the more natural look or a woman who is ‘well turned out’”? The most common response, regardless of the culture, was that men preferred women who were dressed appropriately for the occasion. Ex. Sat night-well turned out and Sunday afternoon, natural. You see, they really are easy to please! They also thought it was important for women to look comfortable in what they were wearing. One man pointed out that there was nothing more unattractive than seeing a woman try and walk in painful, pointy shoes.
According to these men, being comfortable in one’s own skin is more important than showing skin. I discovered this for myself on one Monday night, when after going to the cinema, I found myself completely unprepared and under-dressed, when I ended up at the legendary meat-market bar Tiger Tiger, wearing jeans, a long-sleeved baggy shirt, with my hair in a pony tail, and no makeup. As I stood ordering my first drink, I was chatted up by a very handsome male. Apparently, it was actually my “natural” look which attracted him to me. I didn’t tell him it was, more accurately, my ‘lazy’ look.
As I brought the drinks back to my friend, I remarked how much time and energy I had wasted in the past getting ready for a night out. It appears that, it wasn’t even necessary. A study at Syracuse University backed my findings. When shown pictures of women dressed in designer wear to lounge wear, the men did not differentiate between dress in the case of the moderately attractive to attractive women, no matter what they were wearing. But of course, we must keep in mind that this was one group of men, in one city, and one culture. The results could be different elsewhere.
But the real secret in this whole skirts vs. trousers debate, is the attitude that you are wearing it with. Your attitude has a lot more influence on how others perceive you then what you are wearing. When you feel confident and are looking good, others respond accordingly. After all, as a famous philosopher said, “Our outsides are just shells for our souls.”
Opinions are one thing, but hard data is another. Referring to the research I gathered in my latest International flirting study, one of the questions that I asked men was “Do you prefer the more natural look or a woman who is ‘well turned out’”? The most common response, regardless of the culture, was that men preferred women who were dressed appropriately for the occasion. Ex. Sat night-well turned out and Sunday afternoon, natural. You see, they really are easy to please! They also thought it was important for women to look comfortable in what they were wearing. One man pointed out that there was nothing more unattractive than seeing a woman try and walk in painful, pointy shoes.
According to these men, being comfortable in one’s own skin is more important than showing skin. I discovered this for myself on one Monday night, when after going to the cinema, I found myself completely unprepared and under-dressed, when I ended up at the legendary meat-market bar Tiger Tiger, wearing jeans, a long-sleeved baggy shirt, with my hair in a pony tail, and no makeup. As I stood ordering my first drink, I was chatted up by a very handsome male. Apparently, it was actually my “natural” look which attracted him to me. I didn’t tell him it was, more accurately, my ‘lazy’ look.
As I brought the drinks back to my friend, I remarked how much time and energy I had wasted in the past getting ready for a night out. It appears that, it wasn’t even necessary. A study at Syracuse University backed my findings. When shown pictures of women dressed in designer wear to lounge wear, the men did not differentiate between dress in the case of the moderately attractive to attractive women, no matter what they were wearing. But of course, we must keep in mind that this was one group of men, in one city, and one culture. The results could be different elsewhere.
But the real secret in this whole skirts vs. trousers debate, is the attitude that you are wearing it with. Your attitude has a lot more influence on how others perceive you then what you are wearing. When you feel confident and are looking good, others respond accordingly. After all, as a famous philosopher said, “Our outsides are just shells for our souls.”
What does he mean when he says 'call me'?
The other night I was holding one of my Allure seminars. One of the attendees raised her hand, and in a very serious manner, asked if she could have my advice on the age-old question about who should call whom. She told me that a man she fancied, told her to call him, and what did I think that meant. Before I could answer, another woman in the group recounted the same story and the two started analyzing and hypothesizing about what this whole ‘call me’ thing, could possibly mean.
They created many scenarios as to what this seemingly straight-forward phrase could really mean. This ranged from “Well, maybe he is too lazy to call” or “Maybe he is trying to brush me off” to “Maybe he is hoping I won’t call him.” The two women thought of every situation under the sun, except for the obvious one. Admittedly, I had to stop them, or they could have continued analyzing for days. After all, analyzing is one of the favourite pastimes of the fairer sex. I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, he actually meant for you to call him. They both fell silent as if it was the first time they had ever considered that option. Then they started again, “But don’t you think that maybe he thought that by telling me to call him that I would think…..” I stopped them again with a flat out “No!” Sometimes tough love is the only option.
What some women seem to forget is that many men do not communicate like women. They are much simpler. Not simple in a bad or ignorant way, just simple in a straight-forward, what you see is what you get, sort of way. And although, there are always the few slippery deviants who slide past, most men are pretty uncomplicated Slowly it started dawning on them, “So, we are actually thinking about what our motives would be if we told a guy to call us, and not what he is actually thinking when he said ‘call me’” Bingo ladies! I think both sexes would have greater successes with the opposite sex if they put themselves in the other’s shoes. As a bonus, kitten heels look great on any bloke, especially those over 6’2”.
They created many scenarios as to what this seemingly straight-forward phrase could really mean. This ranged from “Well, maybe he is too lazy to call” or “Maybe he is trying to brush me off” to “Maybe he is hoping I won’t call him.” The two women thought of every situation under the sun, except for the obvious one. Admittedly, I had to stop them, or they could have continued analyzing for days. After all, analyzing is one of the favourite pastimes of the fairer sex. I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, he actually meant for you to call him. They both fell silent as if it was the first time they had ever considered that option. Then they started again, “But don’t you think that maybe he thought that by telling me to call him that I would think…..” I stopped them again with a flat out “No!” Sometimes tough love is the only option.
What some women seem to forget is that many men do not communicate like women. They are much simpler. Not simple in a bad or ignorant way, just simple in a straight-forward, what you see is what you get, sort of way. And although, there are always the few slippery deviants who slide past, most men are pretty uncomplicated Slowly it started dawning on them, “So, we are actually thinking about what our motives would be if we told a guy to call us, and not what he is actually thinking when he said ‘call me’” Bingo ladies! I think both sexes would have greater successes with the opposite sex if they put themselves in the other’s shoes. As a bonus, kitten heels look great on any bloke, especially those over 6’2”.
Why can I only attract the people I don't like, and not the ones that I do?
It seems to be Murphy’s law that the semi-charming, geeky usher from the cinema calls us constantly, as if we were the only number on his speed dial (well, ‘we’ shouldn’t have given it to him in the first place. But I will save that rant for a later date) On the other hand, the gorgeous policeman who took our number instead of giving us a speeding ticket, rarely ever calls. And, before thoughts turn into actions, let me stop you by saying that calling 911 to get his attention is a very bad idea!
Keeping in mind the golden mantra that people behave towards us the way that we behave towards them, in order to reverse the situation between the two, all we have to do is reverse our behaviour. Act towards the gorgeous police officer, the way you act towards the semi-charming, geeky usher. First instance, do you ever call the SCGU? (Not very often) When the SCGU calls you, do you talk incessantly for hours, recanting every detail of your life from the advantages of Extra chewing gum over Orbit to the ‘proper’ way to make tea? (No) When he asks you out, are you always free? (Rarely, only if you’ve already seen every programme on tele that night…at least once) Who is the first to end the conversation? (Usually you, because you have to wash your hair for the third time that evening)
Now believe me, I am not into manipulation or making people feel bad, but this is simply a case of using human nature to your advantage. It’s pretty obvious that things we must put effort into carry more value than things that we don’t. Although, let me be clear, that this stage is different from the first encounter of meeting someone, where you should not be playing ‘hard to get’. Different tactics apply here. (And I cringe to myself as I use the word ‘tactics’).
Now, let’s look at your behaviour towards the Gorgeous Policeman. How many times (or millions of time, rather) have you called him? (yes, we must count the times you called and hung-up as well). Do you say ‘yes’ every time he asks you out? (He usually doesn’t get a chance to as you have already done it) Do you ever let him get off the phone, or are you too busy recounting tales of your mother’s recent hip surgery? Basically, you are acting more alluring to the person you don’t want, then to the person you want! So reverse the behaviour and bag yourself a cop.
Keeping in mind the golden mantra that people behave towards us the way that we behave towards them, in order to reverse the situation between the two, all we have to do is reverse our behaviour. Act towards the gorgeous police officer, the way you act towards the semi-charming, geeky usher. First instance, do you ever call the SCGU? (Not very often) When the SCGU calls you, do you talk incessantly for hours, recanting every detail of your life from the advantages of Extra chewing gum over Orbit to the ‘proper’ way to make tea? (No) When he asks you out, are you always free? (Rarely, only if you’ve already seen every programme on tele that night…at least once) Who is the first to end the conversation? (Usually you, because you have to wash your hair for the third time that evening)
Now believe me, I am not into manipulation or making people feel bad, but this is simply a case of using human nature to your advantage. It’s pretty obvious that things we must put effort into carry more value than things that we don’t. Although, let me be clear, that this stage is different from the first encounter of meeting someone, where you should not be playing ‘hard to get’. Different tactics apply here. (And I cringe to myself as I use the word ‘tactics’).
Now, let’s look at your behaviour towards the Gorgeous Policeman. How many times (or millions of time, rather) have you called him? (yes, we must count the times you called and hung-up as well). Do you say ‘yes’ every time he asks you out? (He usually doesn’t get a chance to as you have already done it) Do you ever let him get off the phone, or are you too busy recounting tales of your mother’s recent hip surgery? Basically, you are acting more alluring to the person you don’t want, then to the person you want! So reverse the behaviour and bag yourself a cop.
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