Yesterday afternoon, at an event held at a trendy bar in central London, I spent the afternoon sipping champagne, while advising journalists on their relationships, or in the case of some, their lack thereof.
You see, I was acting as the ‘relationships expert’ in a product launch for Johnson and Johnson’s products. And, while there were a few blissfully happy women, who even after three plus years of being with their partners couldn’t find a single flaw in their relationships (in this case it was I who had a few questions for them) the majority brought up the same issues. Unfortunately, I had to tactfully advise one that she should break up with her boyfriend. I can just imagine her going home that evening and saying, “Jon, we need to talk. Although, I only talked with her for 3 minutes, the relationships expert at an event that I went to today has advised me to dump you. See ya!” With the exception of this extreme situation (where she already knew what she had to do anyways, I was simply repeating back to her what she had said to me) it appears that lack of time, and different communication styles, were at the root of most problems.
In this posting, I will address the issue of time. No one ever has enough of it. Once we accept this, we can move on from there. Since we will never have the magical 25 hour day, we must learn to prioritize. It seemed like work was infringing on a lot of ‘quality’ time between the couples. A simple question was to ask, was which is a higher priority, work or your relationship? Whichever answer one chooses (and it might not always be the relationship, which if this is the case, a few more questions would need to be addressed) then you put more time into that priority.
Many times, we get so swept up in the routine of our every day lives, that we lose sight of what is important. If all else fails, look at the bigger picture and remember your priorities. In ten years time, what will your memories be made of, the ‘important’ meeting which made you cancel your theatre plans with your partner, or your partner buying you ice cream at the intermission of the Lion King and the two of you ending up with chocolate all over your faces? Now, go sort it out…
Wednesday 12 December 2007
Friday 30 November 2007
Unique signals of sexuality
I recently returned from a holiday in Dubai. What a fascinating place! The mixture of the local Emiratis, only making up only 20% of the population, the large amount of low-wage labourers, mostly made up of Indians and Pakistanis, and the ex-pat contingency, consisting of Brits, Aussies, and a few North Americans, makes for an interesting mix of culture.
Each of these cultures, has their own style of flirting, and, the locals would have a different idea as to what flirting is then the ex-pats. In fact, 'flirting' seems to have a disreputable reputation in Dubai. Poor flirting is *so* misunderstood.
However, I noticed an interesting trend amongst the Emirati women(and I specify Emirati because saying 'Arab' women when referring to the women in one country would be like saying 'Europeans' when referring only to the French) is to wear very strong perfumes. Which, I can only assume, is a way to still show their femininity, beneath a long, black, cloak. Because most of their body and hair is covered, thereby eliminating the traditional way that women have embodied their womanliness, Emirati have found other ways, even if it's less obvious. This includes perfectly manicured and pedicured digits, as well as flashes of fabulous jewelry beneath the burkas.
This shows us that just as there is no obvious formula to flirting, signals of sexuality also differ according to context. But, if you look closely, it's always there.
Each of these cultures, has their own style of flirting, and, the locals would have a different idea as to what flirting is then the ex-pats. In fact, 'flirting' seems to have a disreputable reputation in Dubai. Poor flirting is *so* misunderstood.
However, I noticed an interesting trend amongst the Emirati women(and I specify Emirati because saying 'Arab' women when referring to the women in one country would be like saying 'Europeans' when referring only to the French) is to wear very strong perfumes. Which, I can only assume, is a way to still show their femininity, beneath a long, black, cloak. Because most of their body and hair is covered, thereby eliminating the traditional way that women have embodied their womanliness, Emirati have found other ways, even if it's less obvious. This includes perfectly manicured and pedicured digits, as well as flashes of fabulous jewelry beneath the burkas.
This shows us that just as there is no obvious formula to flirting, signals of sexuality also differ according to context. But, if you look closely, it's always there.
Thursday 8 November 2007
The Overland Romeo
The other day, as I sat down on a near-empty overland train, and dutifully started reading my newspaper, I couldn't help but to first notice a very attractive man sitting a few sections away. I notice it's best to sit far away from your subject in these situations, in order to properly check them out. If they are too close, you just can't get the same perusal time; you wouldn't dare.
As he was sitting rather far away, it was hard to tell for sure, but it seemed like he was also perusing me. Before long, he got up from his seat, feigned interest in the train map on the wall, and then asked me if I knew how long it took to get to Stratford. I was impressed by his assertiveness, and his tall, dark, and handsome exterior, so I replied very politely that I was sorry, but I didn't know. I then went back to reading my newspaper. (hey, this is London after all!) Not to be dismissed so easily, he sat down across from me, and asked a few more questions about this place called Stratford which, we both knew, was a guise for chatting to me.
From his behaviour, I knew that he was new to London. No matter which country you are from, after being in London for a certain amount of time, everyone becomes trained to the do's and do not's of 'proper' behaviour. Sadly, this is how it works. My suspicions were correct: he was a newbie. He had only been here for 7 months. We enjoyed a pleasant conversation on the train, and three stops away from my departure point, I made the decision to give him my number because he knew, as soon as he sat down, that he was going to get it. Like the precision of the timings of the overland trains, the question came exactly3 minutes before my alighting point. I thought, why not?
I got home and told my English friend that I had just met someone on the train. The fact that I had the flu, was wearing tennis shoes, no-make-up, had hair like a rat's nest, and that somebody wanted to chat me up was not the surprising part for her, it was that I had given my number to a 'complete stranger'. I replied,"It's not like I gave him my address and a map." Besides, I had met my last boyfriend because he was working at the call centre where I had to continuously call. The man I almost married, I met sitting outside a cafe in Singapore. In fact, I teach people how to meet others in day-to-day settings, so all I could do was explain it as a cultural difference between British and American styles. It's much easier to meet new people in American culture than it is in British culture. For the latter, it's necessary to be 'introduced' to someone or meet in designated circumstances, such as school, uni, or work, in order to forge a relationship with someone.
As for my overland romeo, I am not expecting fireworks and roses, but it's nice to see that people can still meet others in day-to-day places, even when they have the flu and are sucking on Strepsils.
As he was sitting rather far away, it was hard to tell for sure, but it seemed like he was also perusing me. Before long, he got up from his seat, feigned interest in the train map on the wall, and then asked me if I knew how long it took to get to Stratford. I was impressed by his assertiveness, and his tall, dark, and handsome exterior, so I replied very politely that I was sorry, but I didn't know. I then went back to reading my newspaper. (hey, this is London after all!) Not to be dismissed so easily, he sat down across from me, and asked a few more questions about this place called Stratford which, we both knew, was a guise for chatting to me.
From his behaviour, I knew that he was new to London. No matter which country you are from, after being in London for a certain amount of time, everyone becomes trained to the do's and do not's of 'proper' behaviour. Sadly, this is how it works. My suspicions were correct: he was a newbie. He had only been here for 7 months. We enjoyed a pleasant conversation on the train, and three stops away from my departure point, I made the decision to give him my number because he knew, as soon as he sat down, that he was going to get it. Like the precision of the timings of the overland trains, the question came exactly3 minutes before my alighting point. I thought, why not?
I got home and told my English friend that I had just met someone on the train. The fact that I had the flu, was wearing tennis shoes, no-make-up, had hair like a rat's nest, and that somebody wanted to chat me up was not the surprising part for her, it was that I had given my number to a 'complete stranger'. I replied,"It's not like I gave him my address and a map." Besides, I had met my last boyfriend because he was working at the call centre where I had to continuously call. The man I almost married, I met sitting outside a cafe in Singapore. In fact, I teach people how to meet others in day-to-day settings, so all I could do was explain it as a cultural difference between British and American styles. It's much easier to meet new people in American culture than it is in British culture. For the latter, it's necessary to be 'introduced' to someone or meet in designated circumstances, such as school, uni, or work, in order to forge a relationship with someone.
As for my overland romeo, I am not expecting fireworks and roses, but it's nice to see that people can still meet others in day-to-day places, even when they have the flu and are sucking on Strepsils.
'Love Trap'
I was watching the new series 'Love Trap' last night. The premise is to take one, young, good-looking, Swedish female, mix her with a Brit, an Italian, a German, a Ugandan (?), an Italian, and an Australian, bake for 30 minutes, and enjoy. The premise, which is based on national stereotypes, revolves around the notion that, 'Italian men will act like this' and 'A German man would do this'. Unfortunately, one person cannot represent the actions/thoughts of a whole nation. (I know, it's very unfortunate for t.v. land that it can't be wrapped up in a tidier package)
The premise of the show was taken from the much-loved show called 'Tourist trap' which still revolved around stereotypes and huge generalizations, but had a bit more validity, considering it was based on the actions of 15 people, rather than just one!
The good news is that while watching this programme, I took vigorous mental notes about sections which were good and which sections could definitely be improved (for example, the contestant selection process. If you are going to base the actions of one person as a representation of a whole culture, then at least make sure this person embodies all of our presumptions about that culture!) Funnily enough, as I sat down at my computer, with my list of suggestions, I was called by the producer of the show, asking if I had seen it and wanting to know my thoughts on the program. Watch this space-with an Anthropologist's assistance, we might see a new and improved Love Trap on our screens, very soon. (and ladies, I will make sure they choose some nice eye candy next time!)
The premise of the show was taken from the much-loved show called 'Tourist trap' which still revolved around stereotypes and huge generalizations, but had a bit more validity, considering it was based on the actions of 15 people, rather than just one!
The good news is that while watching this programme, I took vigorous mental notes about sections which were good and which sections could definitely be improved (for example, the contestant selection process. If you are going to base the actions of one person as a representation of a whole culture, then at least make sure this person embodies all of our presumptions about that culture!) Funnily enough, as I sat down at my computer, with my list of suggestions, I was called by the producer of the show, asking if I had seen it and wanting to know my thoughts on the program. Watch this space-with an Anthropologist's assistance, we might see a new and improved Love Trap on our screens, very soon. (and ladies, I will make sure they choose some nice eye candy next time!)
Wednesday 7 November 2007
'New Trends'
There seems to be a new trend amongst women and men; at least, this is what the media is portraying. In the last week, I have been contacted by both a newspaper journalist and a documentary team for Channel Four about the subject of women paying for escorts. The poor, male, documentary researcher, only having the perspective of a poor, male, documentary researcher, was convinced that older women only pay for sex because they don't have the ability to 'pick-up' at bars anymore. Little did he realize, that other issues might be involved. Such as, why should she sit in a smelly old pub, when she can just 'dial-a-man' and one can come to her doorstep?
There was also the 'new trend' of older women, perhaps recently divorced, having relations with younger 'toy boys'. The shock, the horror, the fun!!! What these two trends have in common is a recent shift in economics for women. Unlike previous generations, where a woman was more likely to work in the home and therefore have less access to hard currency, she is now aspiring to a similar economic freedom as men.
Another factor is societies shifting attitudes towards what constitutes a relationship. As we move furthur away from the stifling, yet traditional model of male/female, monogamous relationships and more towards an openness about different types of relationships, ones which are less stringent, we will see things such as gay marriages becoming more accepted, and older women choosing to buy their buff, younger men, Armani suits and Gucci watches.
There was also the 'new trend' of older women, perhaps recently divorced, having relations with younger 'toy boys'. The shock, the horror, the fun!!! What these two trends have in common is a recent shift in economics for women. Unlike previous generations, where a woman was more likely to work in the home and therefore have less access to hard currency, she is now aspiring to a similar economic freedom as men.
Another factor is societies shifting attitudes towards what constitutes a relationship. As we move furthur away from the stifling, yet traditional model of male/female, monogamous relationships and more towards an openness about different types of relationships, ones which are less stringent, we will see things such as gay marriages becoming more accepted, and older women choosing to buy their buff, younger men, Armani suits and Gucci watches.
Sunday 28 October 2007
Who should pay on a first date? The theory
It seems, that except from the liberated, Stockholm females, and my friend Nicole, most women prefer the man to pay. From an anthropological perspective, her preference for him to pay could demonstrate his willingness to 'invest' in her and indicate if he will be generous with his resources in the future. From a personal perspective, unless he is a student, if he doesn't pay he is just plain stingy!
However, the issue is less about who should pay, and more about who wants to pay. I have often been asked to comment on radio shows about this issue; and, it's positioned as if paying is a burden, as in, who should have the chore of paying. Let's not forget that in many non-western cultures, such as Middle Eastern or South-East Asian , it is considered an honour to pay the bill. I have seen grown, Turkish men, one-step away from full-on combat in attempts to wrestle the bill from the other's hands. In South-East Asian culture, protocol is a bit easier to follow; the eldest member of the group is expected to pay.
So, forgetting about the 'shoulds', let's put it another way-Who wants to give the other a gift? Because, after all, buying someone dinner is another version of giving someone a present. This is why, whatever you do, DO NOT split the bill!!!! Splitting the bill, turns a perfectly, lovely evening, into a dinner transaction, and no one gets to feel good. Neither the person who paid and gave the gift, nor the person who had dinner bought for them, and received the gift.
Now, who wants to go out to dinner? All this writing has made me hungry!
However, the issue is less about who should pay, and more about who wants to pay. I have often been asked to comment on radio shows about this issue; and, it's positioned as if paying is a burden, as in, who should have the chore of paying. Let's not forget that in many non-western cultures, such as Middle Eastern or South-East Asian , it is considered an honour to pay the bill. I have seen grown, Turkish men, one-step away from full-on combat in attempts to wrestle the bill from the other's hands. In South-East Asian culture, protocol is a bit easier to follow; the eldest member of the group is expected to pay.
So, forgetting about the 'shoulds', let's put it another way-Who wants to give the other a gift? Because, after all, buying someone dinner is another version of giving someone a present. This is why, whatever you do, DO NOT split the bill!!!! Splitting the bill, turns a perfectly, lovely evening, into a dinner transaction, and no one gets to feel good. Neither the person who paid and gave the gift, nor the person who had dinner bought for them, and received the gift.
Now, who wants to go out to dinner? All this writing has made me hungry!
Friday 26 October 2007
Graceful entrances and exits
My specialty is helping people learn how to approach others, which is something we do with vigor on my Friday night Flirting and Walking tours of London. Come on the tour, or have a private session with me, to learn more about this (yes, this is blatant self-promotion, but it is my blog after all. What better place?)
But for now, I would like to discuss the beauty of a graceful exit. Because, what I have come to realize, is that those who are comfortable exiting, are most likely to enter in the first place. In other words, if you know that you can comfortably and easily slide out of a conversation, you are much more likely to slide in.
I am referring mostly to you, lovely ladies, who go to great extremes to avoid being 'rude', by remaining in long conversations, that you have no desire to be in. I was helping out at a friend's singles party the other night and introduced a man and a woman. An hour later, I noticed they were still together. I went over to her and discreetly said, "So, it looks like it's going really well!" She replied "He's okay, not really my type though." When I asked why she hadn't moved on to talk to someone else she said because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Hmmm, which scenario would be the most likely to hurt his feelings? a) Have a seemingly interested woman hang around him for the whole party, and then (most likely) give her phone number at the end, and then (most likely) make up some excuse why she can't go out with him when he calls. OR b) After a few minutes of conversation say, "Well, it was really nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your evening!"
What some women fail to understand is that men would prefer to hear that the woman is not interested, at the beginning. We shouldn't necessarily assume that they like to be communicated with, the way that we do. As an example, at this same party, another man shared with me that he had been dancing with a woman, and after awhile she said to him,"I am going to get a drink and then, I am not coming back." Now, as women, we would be mortified if someone said this to us, but he thought it was 'absolutely brilliant' (his exact words as I recall).
The moral of the story is that women, your feelings are more important than a complete stranger's. Why would you sacrifice a good evening of socializing, because you are more concerned about the well-being of a random male (who, as it turns out, would prefer your upfront honesty) than your own needs and wants? In case someone takes what I am saying the wrong way, I feel somehow obligated to say stuff like, "But obviously, it's always nice to be nice, etc, etc." But at the end of the day, look after yourself as well!
But for now, I would like to discuss the beauty of a graceful exit. Because, what I have come to realize, is that those who are comfortable exiting, are most likely to enter in the first place. In other words, if you know that you can comfortably and easily slide out of a conversation, you are much more likely to slide in.
I am referring mostly to you, lovely ladies, who go to great extremes to avoid being 'rude', by remaining in long conversations, that you have no desire to be in. I was helping out at a friend's singles party the other night and introduced a man and a woman. An hour later, I noticed they were still together. I went over to her and discreetly said, "So, it looks like it's going really well!" She replied "He's okay, not really my type though." When I asked why she hadn't moved on to talk to someone else she said because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Hmmm, which scenario would be the most likely to hurt his feelings? a) Have a seemingly interested woman hang around him for the whole party, and then (most likely) give her phone number at the end, and then (most likely) make up some excuse why she can't go out with him when he calls. OR b) After a few minutes of conversation say, "Well, it was really nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your evening!"
What some women fail to understand is that men would prefer to hear that the woman is not interested, at the beginning. We shouldn't necessarily assume that they like to be communicated with, the way that we do. As an example, at this same party, another man shared with me that he had been dancing with a woman, and after awhile she said to him,"I am going to get a drink and then, I am not coming back." Now, as women, we would be mortified if someone said this to us, but he thought it was 'absolutely brilliant' (his exact words as I recall).
The moral of the story is that women, your feelings are more important than a complete stranger's. Why would you sacrifice a good evening of socializing, because you are more concerned about the well-being of a random male (who, as it turns out, would prefer your upfront honesty) than your own needs and wants? In case someone takes what I am saying the wrong way, I feel somehow obligated to say stuff like, "But obviously, it's always nice to be nice, etc, etc." But at the end of the day, look after yourself as well!
Monday 22 October 2007
I'm not flirting, I'm just being friendly!
Flirting should be spontaneous, light hearted, and in the moment. I learned this from spending countless hours researching and analyzing people, which, ironically, goes against the very nature of flirting. I also noticed that one’s definition will vary, depending on gender or culture.
The Parisians see it as a game, New Yorkers as light hearted fun, Londoners as a playful communication and Stockholmers as an exciting interaction, most often occurring after inhumane amounts of alcohol. Generally speaking, men see flirting more as a means to an end, and woman, as a way of communicating.
London and Stockholm males had the most difficult time differentiating between when a woman was flirting or just being friendly. But, as one Parisian male put it, "The only time we (Parisians) are being friendly instead of flirting is when we don't find the woman attractive." Assuming that has not answered your question, the most common distinction between the two levels is the presence of a sexual undertone. Thankfully, this is usually a two-way street. If you are feeling it, then she probably is too! The other difference is the amount of touching. If the female is touching you alot, it most likely means that she is flirting, rather than being friendly. But, I must warn you, that this is not a steadfast rule. So please don't blame me if a rather tactile lady happens to be stroking your arm, which leads you make a move, and you happen to have misjudged. Oh well, is what I would say. There are certainly worse things that could happen!
The Parisians see it as a game, New Yorkers as light hearted fun, Londoners as a playful communication and Stockholmers as an exciting interaction, most often occurring after inhumane amounts of alcohol. Generally speaking, men see flirting more as a means to an end, and woman, as a way of communicating.
London and Stockholm males had the most difficult time differentiating between when a woman was flirting or just being friendly. But, as one Parisian male put it, "The only time we (Parisians) are being friendly instead of flirting is when we don't find the woman attractive." Assuming that has not answered your question, the most common distinction between the two levels is the presence of a sexual undertone. Thankfully, this is usually a two-way street. If you are feeling it, then she probably is too! The other difference is the amount of touching. If the female is touching you alot, it most likely means that she is flirting, rather than being friendly. But, I must warn you, that this is not a steadfast rule. So please don't blame me if a rather tactile lady happens to be stroking your arm, which leads you make a move, and you happen to have misjudged. Oh well, is what I would say. There are certainly worse things that could happen!
The social order of things-Dublin Style
The Irish combination of camaraderie, jovial spirits and large groups, produced a unique flirting phenomenon. When it came to chatting up women, one member would defer to other group members in a hierarchical-like scale. At first glance I thought they chose the order of hierarchy according to looks, because of the way they referred to each other. For example, a couple guys in one group, at separate times, referred to another member of their group as ‘the handsome’ one. Not only was it the first time that night that they were actually being serious, but it also goes to show if he was the ‘good looking one’, than beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder; especially, if the beholders were two, slightly inebriated, ruddy complected, Irish men.
I noticed this deference again while talking to a guy from a different group. His friend came over to us and was traditionally better looking than the guy I was in conversation with. I thought that this was the reason why the first guy took a visible step away from me, as a sort of ‘offering’ to his friend. (I am not saying I approved, but just what I observed). When comparing notes, my friend said she also noticed a few examples of this behaviour as well.
I never came to any final conclusions that particular night, but six months later, when conducting my Dublin flirting interviews, I was anxious to see if my initial instincts had been correct. Every Irish male I interviewed conferred with me. They all admitted to doing it, but had never actually been consciously aware of it. Although, they said the hierarchy had nothing to do with looks, but more with ‘whose turn it was’. One explained it by saying, “If a friend and I both liked the same girl, it would come down to whose fair dues it was.” They all admitted to ‘taking one for the team’ on occasion, by giving up talking to a girl they liked so their friend could talk with her. As one Irish male interviewee pointed out, the mentality was ‘if one of us wins, we all win.’ And coming from an individualistic, capitalistic society where the mentality is “winner takes all” it was very refreshing. I just hope the effects of the ‘economic tiger’
won’t infiltrate this community flirting attitude.
I noticed this deference again while talking to a guy from a different group. His friend came over to us and was traditionally better looking than the guy I was in conversation with. I thought that this was the reason why the first guy took a visible step away from me, as a sort of ‘offering’ to his friend. (I am not saying I approved, but just what I observed). When comparing notes, my friend said she also noticed a few examples of this behaviour as well.
I never came to any final conclusions that particular night, but six months later, when conducting my Dublin flirting interviews, I was anxious to see if my initial instincts had been correct. Every Irish male I interviewed conferred with me. They all admitted to doing it, but had never actually been consciously aware of it. Although, they said the hierarchy had nothing to do with looks, but more with ‘whose turn it was’. One explained it by saying, “If a friend and I both liked the same girl, it would come down to whose fair dues it was.” They all admitted to ‘taking one for the team’ on occasion, by giving up talking to a girl they liked so their friend could talk with her. As one Irish male interviewee pointed out, the mentality was ‘if one of us wins, we all win.’ And coming from an individualistic, capitalistic society where the mentality is “winner takes all” it was very refreshing. I just hope the effects of the ‘economic tiger’
won’t infiltrate this community flirting attitude.
Where has all the craic gone?
From my research gathered in my International Flirting Study, I noticed a unique characteristic amongst the Irish. They had a tendency to go out in enormous, single-sex groups, but with the groups freely mixing back and forth. When I asked why people always went out in such large groups, the response was, “more craic!” This love of fun seems to be a strong factor which makes foreigners gravitate towards these people.
Although, I have noticed in more recent visits to Ireland, like any culture, the climate is changing. Economic success has had many effects on the Irish. Their isolated bubble of craic and drink has been forced to accommodate an influx of immigrants, all coming for the mighty Euro rather than the fun. Additionally, the economic success is causing a division among the Irish themselves. There is now the beginning of a class system which, traditionally, was something the Irish would have abhorred to as remnants from their acrimony towards previous British rule.
An example of this burgeoning class system is a sect of Dubliners, referred to as ‘D 4’, who have their own special accents that match their designer dresses. Some Irish also have resentment towards tourists. The Irish want the tourists’ Euros, yet are not happy with what they have to give up in exchange.
Having lived in a village on the west coast of Ireland, which was bombarded with tourists six months of the year, I can understand the sentiment of ‘leave us alone’; yet, when most of the village makes their livelihood from three months during the tourist season, there is also a strong dependence on them.
Let's hope they can find a solution between this difficult matrix of new found prosperity and virgin settlers to the Emerald Isle. Otherwise, where are we to go for craic?
Although, I have noticed in more recent visits to Ireland, like any culture, the climate is changing. Economic success has had many effects on the Irish. Their isolated bubble of craic and drink has been forced to accommodate an influx of immigrants, all coming for the mighty Euro rather than the fun. Additionally, the economic success is causing a division among the Irish themselves. There is now the beginning of a class system which, traditionally, was something the Irish would have abhorred to as remnants from their acrimony towards previous British rule.
An example of this burgeoning class system is a sect of Dubliners, referred to as ‘D 4’, who have their own special accents that match their designer dresses. Some Irish also have resentment towards tourists. The Irish want the tourists’ Euros, yet are not happy with what they have to give up in exchange.
Having lived in a village on the west coast of Ireland, which was bombarded with tourists six months of the year, I can understand the sentiment of ‘leave us alone’; yet, when most of the village makes their livelihood from three months during the tourist season, there is also a strong dependence on them.
Let's hope they can find a solution between this difficult matrix of new found prosperity and virgin settlers to the Emerald Isle. Otherwise, where are we to go for craic?
Tuesday 16 October 2007
Flirting tips: Use with caution....
The best flirts know how to make people feel good about themselves. This should be the main goal when flirting. It’s all about the other person, which you happen to get back ten-fold. Here are a few ways to be a good flirt:
1) Pay unique and genuine compliments to the other person. The more specific the compliment, the better. A generic “nice eyes” doesn’t have the same effect as “your eyes look amazing in with that shirt. I have never seen them look so green” It’s hard to portray this without seeming cheesy or artificial but, as a general tip, if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
2) Try building rapport with the other person by subtly mimicking their body language, tone of voice, rate of speech, etc. If they are speaking quickly, then you do the same. If they are sitting with their legs crossed, then you do it as well. It makes people feel comfortable when they are with someone who is “like” them.
3) Try to use the person’s name in the conversation. It’s been said the sweetest sound in the world is the sound of one’s own name. A recent article in Psychology today magazine reports people prefer the letters of the alphabet which appear in their own names, especially their first and last initials. Which is more powerful...”Hello” or “Hello Michelle” (assuming the person’s name is Michelle). Also, try to use “we” in your conversation when referring to you and the person you are with. It has the same effect as using their name. It creates a bond much more quickly.
4) Use touch when speaking with someone, but limit it to safe places such as shoulders and arms, and don’t over do it. Studies show waitresses who used touch got higher tips from their customers. Take your cues from the other person. Being comfortable with touch is linked to factors such as culture, family size, and whether someone is an introvert or extrovert, Some people love touch and some are uncomfortable with it. If you pat someone’s arm and they cringe, don’t take it personally. It probably means they aren’t comfortable with it.
5) Use all the approachability signals: open body language, lingering eye contact, and smiles.
6) Keep the conversation light and positive. No one wants to hear about your grandma’s recent hip surgery when you are flirting!
7) Flirting is fun! Don’t look upon flirting as something that you are forced to do, or as a means to an end. Be an agenda-less flirter. Don’t have a goal in mind. If a date or something else happens as a result, then look at it as a bonus. When flirting, everyone wins in the end. The only losers are those who don’t try...
8) Take the “reject” out of rejection. Don’t let someone’s lack of interest, and a stranger at that, affect your self worth. The uninterested party could be a puppy-kicking, axe murderer, and we let them shape our self concept? Don’t forget, the reason someone’s not interested could be purely situational. Maybe they are tired, married, in a bad mood, gay. Their personal circumstances have nothing to do with your fabulous self! And even if they aren’t interested, the next person will be. It’s numbers game. The more shots you take, the higher your percentage of scoring.
© Allureseminars 2007
1) Pay unique and genuine compliments to the other person. The more specific the compliment, the better. A generic “nice eyes” doesn’t have the same effect as “your eyes look amazing in with that shirt. I have never seen them look so green” It’s hard to portray this without seeming cheesy or artificial but, as a general tip, if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
2) Try building rapport with the other person by subtly mimicking their body language, tone of voice, rate of speech, etc. If they are speaking quickly, then you do the same. If they are sitting with their legs crossed, then you do it as well. It makes people feel comfortable when they are with someone who is “like” them.
3) Try to use the person’s name in the conversation. It’s been said the sweetest sound in the world is the sound of one’s own name. A recent article in Psychology today magazine reports people prefer the letters of the alphabet which appear in their own names, especially their first and last initials. Which is more powerful...”Hello” or “Hello Michelle” (assuming the person’s name is Michelle). Also, try to use “we” in your conversation when referring to you and the person you are with. It has the same effect as using their name. It creates a bond much more quickly.
4) Use touch when speaking with someone, but limit it to safe places such as shoulders and arms, and don’t over do it. Studies show waitresses who used touch got higher tips from their customers. Take your cues from the other person. Being comfortable with touch is linked to factors such as culture, family size, and whether someone is an introvert or extrovert, Some people love touch and some are uncomfortable with it. If you pat someone’s arm and they cringe, don’t take it personally. It probably means they aren’t comfortable with it.
5) Use all the approachability signals: open body language, lingering eye contact, and smiles.
6) Keep the conversation light and positive. No one wants to hear about your grandma’s recent hip surgery when you are flirting!
7) Flirting is fun! Don’t look upon flirting as something that you are forced to do, or as a means to an end. Be an agenda-less flirter. Don’t have a goal in mind. If a date or something else happens as a result, then look at it as a bonus. When flirting, everyone wins in the end. The only losers are those who don’t try...
8) Take the “reject” out of rejection. Don’t let someone’s lack of interest, and a stranger at that, affect your self worth. The uninterested party could be a puppy-kicking, axe murderer, and we let them shape our self concept? Don’t forget, the reason someone’s not interested could be purely situational. Maybe they are tired, married, in a bad mood, gay. Their personal circumstances have nothing to do with your fabulous self! And even if they aren’t interested, the next person will be. It’s numbers game. The more shots you take, the higher your percentage of scoring.
© Allureseminars 2007
Thursday 11 October 2007
What should I wear tonight? Skirts vs. trousers
At a recent seminar, a woman asked if men preferred women in skirts, over trousers. Generally speaking, I believe men like women in anything- or even more accurately, in less than anything! Most men could care less about the latest fashions, styles or designers. These are things that (some) women find important. I’m sure you have heard the phrase that women dress for other women.
Opinions are one thing, but hard data is another. Referring to the research I gathered in my latest International flirting study, one of the questions that I asked men was “Do you prefer the more natural look or a woman who is ‘well turned out’”? The most common response, regardless of the culture, was that men preferred women who were dressed appropriately for the occasion. Ex. Sat night-well turned out and Sunday afternoon, natural. You see, they really are easy to please! They also thought it was important for women to look comfortable in what they were wearing. One man pointed out that there was nothing more unattractive than seeing a woman try and walk in painful, pointy shoes.
According to these men, being comfortable in one’s own skin is more important than showing skin. I discovered this for myself on one Monday night, when after going to the cinema, I found myself completely unprepared and under-dressed, when I ended up at the legendary meat-market bar Tiger Tiger, wearing jeans, a long-sleeved baggy shirt, with my hair in a pony tail, and no makeup. As I stood ordering my first drink, I was chatted up by a very handsome male. Apparently, it was actually my “natural” look which attracted him to me. I didn’t tell him it was, more accurately, my ‘lazy’ look.
As I brought the drinks back to my friend, I remarked how much time and energy I had wasted in the past getting ready for a night out. It appears that, it wasn’t even necessary. A study at Syracuse University backed my findings. When shown pictures of women dressed in designer wear to lounge wear, the men did not differentiate between dress in the case of the moderately attractive to attractive women, no matter what they were wearing. But of course, we must keep in mind that this was one group of men, in one city, and one culture. The results could be different elsewhere.
But the real secret in this whole skirts vs. trousers debate, is the attitude that you are wearing it with. Your attitude has a lot more influence on how others perceive you then what you are wearing. When you feel confident and are looking good, others respond accordingly. After all, as a famous philosopher said, “Our outsides are just shells for our souls.”
Opinions are one thing, but hard data is another. Referring to the research I gathered in my latest International flirting study, one of the questions that I asked men was “Do you prefer the more natural look or a woman who is ‘well turned out’”? The most common response, regardless of the culture, was that men preferred women who were dressed appropriately for the occasion. Ex. Sat night-well turned out and Sunday afternoon, natural. You see, they really are easy to please! They also thought it was important for women to look comfortable in what they were wearing. One man pointed out that there was nothing more unattractive than seeing a woman try and walk in painful, pointy shoes.
According to these men, being comfortable in one’s own skin is more important than showing skin. I discovered this for myself on one Monday night, when after going to the cinema, I found myself completely unprepared and under-dressed, when I ended up at the legendary meat-market bar Tiger Tiger, wearing jeans, a long-sleeved baggy shirt, with my hair in a pony tail, and no makeup. As I stood ordering my first drink, I was chatted up by a very handsome male. Apparently, it was actually my “natural” look which attracted him to me. I didn’t tell him it was, more accurately, my ‘lazy’ look.
As I brought the drinks back to my friend, I remarked how much time and energy I had wasted in the past getting ready for a night out. It appears that, it wasn’t even necessary. A study at Syracuse University backed my findings. When shown pictures of women dressed in designer wear to lounge wear, the men did not differentiate between dress in the case of the moderately attractive to attractive women, no matter what they were wearing. But of course, we must keep in mind that this was one group of men, in one city, and one culture. The results could be different elsewhere.
But the real secret in this whole skirts vs. trousers debate, is the attitude that you are wearing it with. Your attitude has a lot more influence on how others perceive you then what you are wearing. When you feel confident and are looking good, others respond accordingly. After all, as a famous philosopher said, “Our outsides are just shells for our souls.”
What does he mean when he says 'call me'?
The other night I was holding one of my Allure seminars. One of the attendees raised her hand, and in a very serious manner, asked if she could have my advice on the age-old question about who should call whom. She told me that a man she fancied, told her to call him, and what did I think that meant. Before I could answer, another woman in the group recounted the same story and the two started analyzing and hypothesizing about what this whole ‘call me’ thing, could possibly mean.
They created many scenarios as to what this seemingly straight-forward phrase could really mean. This ranged from “Well, maybe he is too lazy to call” or “Maybe he is trying to brush me off” to “Maybe he is hoping I won’t call him.” The two women thought of every situation under the sun, except for the obvious one. Admittedly, I had to stop them, or they could have continued analyzing for days. After all, analyzing is one of the favourite pastimes of the fairer sex. I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, he actually meant for you to call him. They both fell silent as if it was the first time they had ever considered that option. Then they started again, “But don’t you think that maybe he thought that by telling me to call him that I would think…..” I stopped them again with a flat out “No!” Sometimes tough love is the only option.
What some women seem to forget is that many men do not communicate like women. They are much simpler. Not simple in a bad or ignorant way, just simple in a straight-forward, what you see is what you get, sort of way. And although, there are always the few slippery deviants who slide past, most men are pretty uncomplicated Slowly it started dawning on them, “So, we are actually thinking about what our motives would be if we told a guy to call us, and not what he is actually thinking when he said ‘call me’” Bingo ladies! I think both sexes would have greater successes with the opposite sex if they put themselves in the other’s shoes. As a bonus, kitten heels look great on any bloke, especially those over 6’2”.
They created many scenarios as to what this seemingly straight-forward phrase could really mean. This ranged from “Well, maybe he is too lazy to call” or “Maybe he is trying to brush me off” to “Maybe he is hoping I won’t call him.” The two women thought of every situation under the sun, except for the obvious one. Admittedly, I had to stop them, or they could have continued analyzing for days. After all, analyzing is one of the favourite pastimes of the fairer sex. I pointed out that maybe, just maybe, he actually meant for you to call him. They both fell silent as if it was the first time they had ever considered that option. Then they started again, “But don’t you think that maybe he thought that by telling me to call him that I would think…..” I stopped them again with a flat out “No!” Sometimes tough love is the only option.
What some women seem to forget is that many men do not communicate like women. They are much simpler. Not simple in a bad or ignorant way, just simple in a straight-forward, what you see is what you get, sort of way. And although, there are always the few slippery deviants who slide past, most men are pretty uncomplicated Slowly it started dawning on them, “So, we are actually thinking about what our motives would be if we told a guy to call us, and not what he is actually thinking when he said ‘call me’” Bingo ladies! I think both sexes would have greater successes with the opposite sex if they put themselves in the other’s shoes. As a bonus, kitten heels look great on any bloke, especially those over 6’2”.
Why can I only attract the people I don't like, and not the ones that I do?
It seems to be Murphy’s law that the semi-charming, geeky usher from the cinema calls us constantly, as if we were the only number on his speed dial (well, ‘we’ shouldn’t have given it to him in the first place. But I will save that rant for a later date) On the other hand, the gorgeous policeman who took our number instead of giving us a speeding ticket, rarely ever calls. And, before thoughts turn into actions, let me stop you by saying that calling 911 to get his attention is a very bad idea!
Keeping in mind the golden mantra that people behave towards us the way that we behave towards them, in order to reverse the situation between the two, all we have to do is reverse our behaviour. Act towards the gorgeous police officer, the way you act towards the semi-charming, geeky usher. First instance, do you ever call the SCGU? (Not very often) When the SCGU calls you, do you talk incessantly for hours, recanting every detail of your life from the advantages of Extra chewing gum over Orbit to the ‘proper’ way to make tea? (No) When he asks you out, are you always free? (Rarely, only if you’ve already seen every programme on tele that night…at least once) Who is the first to end the conversation? (Usually you, because you have to wash your hair for the third time that evening)
Now believe me, I am not into manipulation or making people feel bad, but this is simply a case of using human nature to your advantage. It’s pretty obvious that things we must put effort into carry more value than things that we don’t. Although, let me be clear, that this stage is different from the first encounter of meeting someone, where you should not be playing ‘hard to get’. Different tactics apply here. (And I cringe to myself as I use the word ‘tactics’).
Now, let’s look at your behaviour towards the Gorgeous Policeman. How many times (or millions of time, rather) have you called him? (yes, we must count the times you called and hung-up as well). Do you say ‘yes’ every time he asks you out? (He usually doesn’t get a chance to as you have already done it) Do you ever let him get off the phone, or are you too busy recounting tales of your mother’s recent hip surgery? Basically, you are acting more alluring to the person you don’t want, then to the person you want! So reverse the behaviour and bag yourself a cop.
Keeping in mind the golden mantra that people behave towards us the way that we behave towards them, in order to reverse the situation between the two, all we have to do is reverse our behaviour. Act towards the gorgeous police officer, the way you act towards the semi-charming, geeky usher. First instance, do you ever call the SCGU? (Not very often) When the SCGU calls you, do you talk incessantly for hours, recanting every detail of your life from the advantages of Extra chewing gum over Orbit to the ‘proper’ way to make tea? (No) When he asks you out, are you always free? (Rarely, only if you’ve already seen every programme on tele that night…at least once) Who is the first to end the conversation? (Usually you, because you have to wash your hair for the third time that evening)
Now believe me, I am not into manipulation or making people feel bad, but this is simply a case of using human nature to your advantage. It’s pretty obvious that things we must put effort into carry more value than things that we don’t. Although, let me be clear, that this stage is different from the first encounter of meeting someone, where you should not be playing ‘hard to get’. Different tactics apply here. (And I cringe to myself as I use the word ‘tactics’).
Now, let’s look at your behaviour towards the Gorgeous Policeman. How many times (or millions of time, rather) have you called him? (yes, we must count the times you called and hung-up as well). Do you say ‘yes’ every time he asks you out? (He usually doesn’t get a chance to as you have already done it) Do you ever let him get off the phone, or are you too busy recounting tales of your mother’s recent hip surgery? Basically, you are acting more alluring to the person you don’t want, then to the person you want! So reverse the behaviour and bag yourself a cop.
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