Wednesday 28 May 2008

Flirting and globalization

The Internet never ceases to amaze me. Not only does it enable you to find the perfect margarita recipe, locate your nearest belly dancing class, and check the price on tickets to Cuba, it also enables 24 year-old boys in Brazil to ask me for flirting advice.



I received the sweetest email from Paolo (name has been changed to protect the innocent) who needed advice about a girl at his college. I have to say that my two younger brothers, and all of their friends, have been asking me for advice on the fairer gender for years. This brought back fond memories.



The reason I am writing a blog on this topic, besides the fact I am delighted to be giving flirting advice to people who dance samba, is that Paolo's dilemma is very common. And, in fact, can be found all over the world. Paolo and a lovely lady at his school have been exchanging smiles. Paolo can feel there is something in her smile, while his friends say that he is just imagining it. First of all, whatever you do, don't listen to your friends! They have biased opinions and their own subjective views playing in their heads. You are the one feeling/experiencing this, not them. As I learned from my research on flirting, good flirting is not one-sided. It takes two to samba!



Paolo is wondering what he should do. I told him, as I will tell you, because you are probably in the same dilemma, that you should talk to her. She is sending you a 'signal of approachability' by always smiling at you. Most likely, she is waiting for you to go over and talk to her. In fact, if you don't, she will assume that you don't like her.



Besides, what is the harm of talking to a beautiful girl? If you don't have any motives or agendas when you begin the conversation (ahem....boys!) then there isn't anything to lose. Besides, worst case scenario is that she is not interested, and then you go find the many others who are interested. It's a win/win situation.



Okay, next query?

Guest blog on playing hard to get

It seems the blog on economic scarcity and economics of the heart caused quite a reaction. Here is one of the responses that I particularly liked, from someone who works in the business of risks and probability.


"Individuals search around for a flirt/mate etc. They identify a
potential individual who is likely to respond positively. Everyone wants
to be liked / loved, so they are never going to flirt with someone
who is likely to reject them. No one wants rejection. That is the
"normal" market.

Therefore, playing hard to get just prices you out of the market
normal. The price of playing hard to get is too high for someone who
places a high probability on the pay-off being rejection. The only
way playing hard to get will work is if the initial flirt has a non-
normal expectation of the probability of rejection. They may well
also be a "hard to get" person, but identifying the same type brings
on a challenge. They are operating in their own market.

Individuals should stick to the market in which they are
comfortable. Why do people go to clubs to meet people? Because they
would be keen to meet people who go to clubs. Why do people play hard
to get, because they want to be highly selective and meet only the
same small minority of the niche market that also plays hard to get."

What do you all think? Do people play 'hard to get' in order to meet other highly selective people?

Tuesday 20 May 2008

Smiley and Busty's train encounter

I was in the corner observing, which is my favourite place to be when I am not in the thick of the action. The setting was the overland train. The two subjects were a small and smiley Indian man and a Busty Black woman. They both stood at the door waiting for their freedom. The smiley one said to the busty one, "How are you today?" The busty one looked alarmed, visibly prayed that the doors would open, and said with a forced politeness, "Fine, thank you". She then proceeded to put on the sour 'London face' and look anywhere but at him. Ouch! If that man ever gets up enough courage to say hello to another human being, let alone a woman, I will be very proud of him.

For the rest of my journey, I pondered what would have made Busty respond in such an unnecessarily, unfriendly manner. I came up with three hypotheses.

1) Busty's dog had been run over by a car earlier that day and she was still in a state of shock and grief.

2) Busty assumed that because a strange man had said hello to her, that he obviously wanted something that she was not willing to give...

3) Busty is not comfortable gracefully exiting conversations. I refer back to an earlier post and again, stress that those people who are most comfortable getting out of conversations, are more likely to get into them in the first place. Busty must not have felt adept at exchanging one minute pleasantries with smiley Indian men and then leaving.

Or, it could be a completely different reason. But, at the end of the day, I always go back to humanity. Why can't we all just be nice to each other? (This is assuming the other person isn't a complete eejit!) I am sure the flirting revolution will catch on when everyone realizes how much more enjoyable life is when we are sweet instead of sour.