This morning I was a guest 'expert' on the Vanessa Feltz show. I was asked to comment on a recent study which reported that women could tell by a man's facial features whether he was looking for a one-night stand or a committed relationship. You will be unsurprised to hear me report that I thought the study was a load of rubbish.
Studies such as these are ignorant and misleading. I'm sorry to say, but life is not as simple as an absolute formula, big forehead + square jaw + close set eyes = gigolo...watch out! I believe that indicators such as an individual's stage in life, mood, levels of alcohol, and other contextual factors provide a much greater clue as to one's intentions than a square jaw.
Additionally, studies like this propagate the hegemonic view of masculinity which places women in constant pursuit of long-term relationships, trying to duck and weave their way out of purely sexual encounters. Again, it's not as straightforward as that. This is 2008, times have changed!
It's dangerous to link physical features to behavioural patterns or personality characteristics, as not only is the link false, but it supports racism, nationalism, stereotypes, and segregation, to name just a few of the nasties. Take it from the dumb blond.
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Monday, 7 April 2008
There's a fine line between flirting experiences and encounters.
My annoyance with the complete absence of buses was exacerbated by the fact that it was almost mid-April and I was shivering under my winter coat. My discontent immediately dissipated as I looked up and realized I was being watched by a very handsome voyeur who had stepped outside the nearby restaurant for a smoke.
In the growing darkness we let our eyes meet for an unusually long time in order to register if indeed we were checking the other out. Once we both realized that we were, we immediately broke eye contact and then politely took turns looking at each other while the other one was pretending not to notice. As I admired the joie de vivre in which he inhaled his cigarette, I willed the bus not to come. I figured that if the bus took long enough, and I gave him enough signals of approachability in the darkness, he would eventually come over. Yeah right, who was I kidding? London males don't randomly come up to strangers at bus stops. This only happens in New York. And, because for the first time, I actually didn't want the bus to come, it came within moments. He saw it was coming too. Just to make sure that our subtle flirting wasn't a figment of my imagination, I gave him another glance as I got on the bus. Yep, he was definitely looking.
Now that I was safely on the bus, it was much easier to show my interest, and, as I made my way to the very back, I took a final look out the back window to make sure the whole thing wasn't just my imagination. It wasn't. He was still looking, or rather, we were still looking. As the bus pulled away, I thought of the New Yorkers responses to my flirting research. They indicated that they were never content with flirting just for flirting's sake, in the case of someone they fancied. In answer to the question what they would expect after an evening of flirting with someone they were attracted to, the majority answered they would only be happy if there was some tangible result at the end: a phone number, date, a shag, or a kiss. The idea of flirting, solely for the sake of it, did not bode well with the New Yorkers. They much preferred the tangible encounters. I heard of many woeful New Yorkers who had seen someone on the tube, made eye contact, didn't do anything about it, and ended up chagrining themselves for years to come. I gently tried to point out the joy in the experience, and that having an encounter wasn't always necessary. They told me to be quiet and offered me a bagel and lox.
I am a big fan of flirting 'experiences'. I believe that every contact with someone doesn't have to be huge and significant. Some experiences make you smile, some make you happy, some make you feel attractive, some make you feel wistful, some put you in touch with humanity. But, what if one of those experiences should have been an encounter, and, because it's such a fine line between the two, that you just couldn't see it? Then, what?
Well, I guess you just wait for the next one.
Flirting opportunities are like buses. Wait ten minutes and another will come along.
In the growing darkness we let our eyes meet for an unusually long time in order to register if indeed we were checking the other out. Once we both realized that we were, we immediately broke eye contact and then politely took turns looking at each other while the other one was pretending not to notice. As I admired the joie de vivre in which he inhaled his cigarette, I willed the bus not to come. I figured that if the bus took long enough, and I gave him enough signals of approachability in the darkness, he would eventually come over. Yeah right, who was I kidding? London males don't randomly come up to strangers at bus stops. This only happens in New York. And, because for the first time, I actually didn't want the bus to come, it came within moments. He saw it was coming too. Just to make sure that our subtle flirting wasn't a figment of my imagination, I gave him another glance as I got on the bus. Yep, he was definitely looking.
Now that I was safely on the bus, it was much easier to show my interest, and, as I made my way to the very back, I took a final look out the back window to make sure the whole thing wasn't just my imagination. It wasn't. He was still looking, or rather, we were still looking. As the bus pulled away, I thought of the New Yorkers responses to my flirting research. They indicated that they were never content with flirting just for flirting's sake, in the case of someone they fancied. In answer to the question what they would expect after an evening of flirting with someone they were attracted to, the majority answered they would only be happy if there was some tangible result at the end: a phone number, date, a shag, or a kiss. The idea of flirting, solely for the sake of it, did not bode well with the New Yorkers. They much preferred the tangible encounters. I heard of many woeful New Yorkers who had seen someone on the tube, made eye contact, didn't do anything about it, and ended up chagrining themselves for years to come. I gently tried to point out the joy in the experience, and that having an encounter wasn't always necessary. They told me to be quiet and offered me a bagel and lox.
I am a big fan of flirting 'experiences'. I believe that every contact with someone doesn't have to be huge and significant. Some experiences make you smile, some make you happy, some make you feel attractive, some make you feel wistful, some put you in touch with humanity. But, what if one of those experiences should have been an encounter, and, because it's such a fine line between the two, that you just couldn't see it? Then, what?
Well, I guess you just wait for the next one.
Flirting opportunities are like buses. Wait ten minutes and another will come along.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Are you flipping your hair or suffering from whiplash?
The other night I was hanging out with the 'boys' at my dear friend's birthday party. The last time I had seen the 'boys' was on London's sunny summer day at a picnic in Hyde Park. One of them reminded me that I brought a bag of crisps which they all politely turned down in lieu of carrot sticks. Ah, memories...
At the time of the picnic, which can more accurately be described as them munching carrot sticks and drinking Evian water and me eating, I had just finished my international flirting study. The boys wanted me to ask them some of the questions from my study. Interestingly, their answers were almost identical to those of the heterosexual boys. This made me start to consider that when it comes to men and women getting together, the only thing that stands in the way is the opposite sex!
This thought was confirmed at the party on Saturday, while I sat listening intently to 'flirting tips', being generously doled out by the boys. "Okay Jean, this is one of my favourites. I take out some lip balm and put it on my lips. Then, I say to him 'You look like you might need some too' and then I rub it on his lips. It works every time." Now, as skeptical as I was about this technique working between men and women, knowing this cutie, I bet it works well for him.
But, the problem with using this flirting technique on women, is that it just wouldn't work. In fact, I think that most women would be repulsed if a man they were flirting with did this to them. It all comes down to the different communication styles of men and women. Forgive me for generalizing for a moment, but men are much more direct and obvious in their flirting encounters, while women much prefer subtleties. The gay community has on their side the knowledge of how their gender communicates. There's none of the misinterpretation of a woman batting her eyelashes with the intention of appearing coy and demure and the man assuming she has something in her eye.
That's not to say that some of the issues in the straight community aren't shared in the gay community. One friend would woefully complain that he just couldn't find a boyfriend. He regaled tales of meeting many 'fit' men at various clubs, taking them home, having a wonderful time (I will spare you the details), and them leaving the next morning and never calling again.
I tried to show him that how would any of these men assume that he was looking for a committed relationship, when he met him in the arena of 'quick shag'? People only know what we tell them, so make sure that your message is clear.
And, speaking of messages, it might be easier to get your point across of you are communicating with the same sex but, a little dollop of empathy, mixed with a measure of good listening skills, makes communication with the opposite sex all the more achievable and interesting!
At the time of the picnic, which can more accurately be described as them munching carrot sticks and drinking Evian water and me eating, I had just finished my international flirting study. The boys wanted me to ask them some of the questions from my study. Interestingly, their answers were almost identical to those of the heterosexual boys. This made me start to consider that when it comes to men and women getting together, the only thing that stands in the way is the opposite sex!
This thought was confirmed at the party on Saturday, while I sat listening intently to 'flirting tips', being generously doled out by the boys. "Okay Jean, this is one of my favourites. I take out some lip balm and put it on my lips. Then, I say to him 'You look like you might need some too' and then I rub it on his lips. It works every time." Now, as skeptical as I was about this technique working between men and women, knowing this cutie, I bet it works well for him.
But, the problem with using this flirting technique on women, is that it just wouldn't work. In fact, I think that most women would be repulsed if a man they were flirting with did this to them. It all comes down to the different communication styles of men and women. Forgive me for generalizing for a moment, but men are much more direct and obvious in their flirting encounters, while women much prefer subtleties. The gay community has on their side the knowledge of how their gender communicates. There's none of the misinterpretation of a woman batting her eyelashes with the intention of appearing coy and demure and the man assuming she has something in her eye.
That's not to say that some of the issues in the straight community aren't shared in the gay community. One friend would woefully complain that he just couldn't find a boyfriend. He regaled tales of meeting many 'fit' men at various clubs, taking them home, having a wonderful time (I will spare you the details), and them leaving the next morning and never calling again.
I tried to show him that how would any of these men assume that he was looking for a committed relationship, when he met him in the arena of 'quick shag'? People only know what we tell them, so make sure that your message is clear.
And, speaking of messages, it might be easier to get your point across of you are communicating with the same sex but, a little dollop of empathy, mixed with a measure of good listening skills, makes communication with the opposite sex all the more achievable and interesting!
The hippocampus vs. the amygdala
I have a friend. We will call him timid Tim, both because sometimes he is timid, and because it’s fun to say. Timid Tim never fails to give off the wrong signals around a woman that he likes. Unfortunately, while Timid and I both know that he is only acting stand-offish because he really likes a particular woman, the poor woman interprets this behaviour as disinterest and wanders elsewhere.
We were at the pub on Saturday night and Timid was up to his usual tricks, once again. I am happy to report that the ending was happy, but he would have lost her if his good friend the ‘flirting expert’ hadn’t had been there to show him the error of his ways!
You see, in our daily lives, the hippocampus (the rational, ‘thinking’ part of the brain) and the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) usually shares the role of moderator between our heads and our hearts quite nicely. But, it appears in flirting situations, the amygdala takes over and all logical thought is discarded. This explains why intelligent, successful people turn into bumbling 16 year-olds in the presence of someone they fancy. Furthurmore, as a self-inflicted protective mechanism of the heart, people pretend to not be interested in someone they like. One of the great keys in flirting is to be able to convey this message of ‘I rather fancy you’ to the person whom you actually fancy.
If you are able to do this, it is very powerful (not to mention effective) because people respond to those who they feel like them. Let’s face it, we like to be liked! When given the choice between someone showing interest and attention and someone either ‘playing it cool’ or flitting around amongst everyone, we will choose the individual attention every time.
After a stern talking to with Timid, he made his interest in her much clearer. She in turn, reciprocated. The last I heard, they were having a beautiful Sunday lunch together.
We were at the pub on Saturday night and Timid was up to his usual tricks, once again. I am happy to report that the ending was happy, but he would have lost her if his good friend the ‘flirting expert’ hadn’t had been there to show him the error of his ways!
You see, in our daily lives, the hippocampus (the rational, ‘thinking’ part of the brain) and the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) usually shares the role of moderator between our heads and our hearts quite nicely. But, it appears in flirting situations, the amygdala takes over and all logical thought is discarded. This explains why intelligent, successful people turn into bumbling 16 year-olds in the presence of someone they fancy. Furthurmore, as a self-inflicted protective mechanism of the heart, people pretend to not be interested in someone they like. One of the great keys in flirting is to be able to convey this message of ‘I rather fancy you’ to the person whom you actually fancy.
If you are able to do this, it is very powerful (not to mention effective) because people respond to those who they feel like them. Let’s face it, we like to be liked! When given the choice between someone showing interest and attention and someone either ‘playing it cool’ or flitting around amongst everyone, we will choose the individual attention every time.
After a stern talking to with Timid, he made his interest in her much clearer. She in turn, reciprocated. The last I heard, they were having a beautiful Sunday lunch together.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
Diet Coke can get you dates
No, I am not being sponsored by Diet Coke to write this blog entry, but it really does get you dates.
Case in point. I was perusing the soda selection at my neighbourhood shop, which is a very bad habit that I have gotten into lately thanks to my association with some fabulous, but major Diet Coke swilling women. Simple economics led me to purchase a case of it, rather than following my original intention, which was to buy one can. ('The savings' is my only defense) So, obviously lugging 24 cans of Diet Coke isn't a walk in the park. It's more like a long walk down the Edgware Rd. It's moments like these that I really miss cars. Not to actually drive it, but rather to be driven around in it.
After walking the first two blocks and working my biceps in a fashion that Arnold would be proud of, I finally had to admit defeat. I set the case down and started looking for someone to help me. I figured that as long as I would be making small talk with the kind-hearted person who would be carrying my 24 pack for me, I might as well choose someone whom I would like to look at while making small talk. Now, I know many of you would never dream of doing this, but what we tend to forget is that people like to help other people. When we help others, it makes us feel good. Flirting is all about making people feel good. Do you see how that works? The link is not quite as obvious as the ,"You look absolutely fantastic today' kind of feel good, but it's the same principle, nevertheless.
I found my cute helper and said,"Excuse me, this has gotten extremely heavy. Are you walking that way? Would you mind helping me?" The next thing I knew I was engaged in a lovely conversation. At the end of the street I thanked him profusely. He suggested we go out for drinks sometime. I pondered it for a moment, as he was lovely, but then decided to leave it at a nice, but brief encounter with humanity. "That's very kind of you, but I don't think so." He accepted the news graciously and we bid each other a fond farewell.
Now, at that last bit of the story, my friend said, "I would have felt obliged to give him my number." Errmm,,,why? Let's put things in perspective. Which one is the nicer thing to do?
Option A: Tell him upfront in a nice, but gentle manner, that the encounter was what is was.
Option B: Under obligation, give him your number making him think you like him more than you do and then proceed to either ignore his phone calls or make feeble excuses for not seeing him?
In any case, I am sure you will be glad to know that my Diet Coke got home safely at last and that there is a very pleased boy running around London knowing that he helped someone in distress. Ah, the humanity of it all.
Case in point. I was perusing the soda selection at my neighbourhood shop, which is a very bad habit that I have gotten into lately thanks to my association with some fabulous, but major Diet Coke swilling women. Simple economics led me to purchase a case of it, rather than following my original intention, which was to buy one can. ('The savings' is my only defense) So, obviously lugging 24 cans of Diet Coke isn't a walk in the park. It's more like a long walk down the Edgware Rd. It's moments like these that I really miss cars. Not to actually drive it, but rather to be driven around in it.
After walking the first two blocks and working my biceps in a fashion that Arnold would be proud of, I finally had to admit defeat. I set the case down and started looking for someone to help me. I figured that as long as I would be making small talk with the kind-hearted person who would be carrying my 24 pack for me, I might as well choose someone whom I would like to look at while making small talk. Now, I know many of you would never dream of doing this, but what we tend to forget is that people like to help other people. When we help others, it makes us feel good. Flirting is all about making people feel good. Do you see how that works? The link is not quite as obvious as the ,"You look absolutely fantastic today' kind of feel good, but it's the same principle, nevertheless.
I found my cute helper and said,"Excuse me, this has gotten extremely heavy. Are you walking that way? Would you mind helping me?" The next thing I knew I was engaged in a lovely conversation. At the end of the street I thanked him profusely. He suggested we go out for drinks sometime. I pondered it for a moment, as he was lovely, but then decided to leave it at a nice, but brief encounter with humanity. "That's very kind of you, but I don't think so." He accepted the news graciously and we bid each other a fond farewell.
Now, at that last bit of the story, my friend said, "I would have felt obliged to give him my number." Errmm,,,why? Let's put things in perspective. Which one is the nicer thing to do?
Option A: Tell him upfront in a nice, but gentle manner, that the encounter was what is was.
Option B: Under obligation, give him your number making him think you like him more than you do and then proceed to either ignore his phone calls or make feeble excuses for not seeing him?
In any case, I am sure you will be glad to know that my Diet Coke got home safely at last and that there is a very pleased boy running around London knowing that he helped someone in distress. Ah, the humanity of it all.
Friday, 28 March 2008
Life is good when it's sunny
Oh God, don't tell me it's raining again. These thoughts passed my head this morning as I looked out the window at the gloomy London weather. Although, I was instantly comforted when I realized these were also the lyrics which I sang with pleasure when I was in a band. It was actually one of my favourites.
Ah, weather. I think it's obvious, but weather has such an affect on whether someone is in the mood for flirting. And, according to my research on flirting, one's mood is the biggest factor which affects one's desire to flirt. This correlation became even more obvious during our small bout of sunshine and warm weather, the one in which we were naively fooled into thinking the last of Winter was over and Spring was upon us.
During this small period of flirting frenzy, I looked around me and noticed there were actually human beings underneath forms which I once thought were only thick coats and woolly hats. Let's face it, life is good when it's sunny. And I, for one, am ready for the honking cars and the random smiles again. Bring on the sun!
Ah, weather. I think it's obvious, but weather has such an affect on whether someone is in the mood for flirting. And, according to my research on flirting, one's mood is the biggest factor which affects one's desire to flirt. This correlation became even more obvious during our small bout of sunshine and warm weather, the one in which we were naively fooled into thinking the last of Winter was over and Spring was upon us.
During this small period of flirting frenzy, I looked around me and noticed there were actually human beings underneath forms which I once thought were only thick coats and woolly hats. Let's face it, life is good when it's sunny. And I, for one, am ready for the honking cars and the random smiles again. Bring on the sun!
Flirting is fun and you get free stuff!
I still believe that the best flirting happens when it is motive-free. When someone has an agenda when flirting, whether it's to get a promotion, a date, or a discount, it just doesn't work. And, I guess, it all stems back from the fact that in order to feel the glow of a good flirting encounter, in all of it's majestic glory, it has to be about making the other person feel special. Without sounding too 'new-agey' it's only when you give freely that you can truly receive.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
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