The ubiquitous 'perfect' partner, the one who we are all faithfully searching for, and few dare to ask, 'Does he/she really exist?' For to do so, would be the equivalent of signing oneself up for a lifetime of eternal solitude. Quelle horreur!
A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.
We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.
Thursday, 17 January 2008
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Breaking the rules of 'The Game'
Forgive me if I sounds a little harsh, but I can't stand Neil Strauss. For those of you who don't know him, he is the author of The Game, a book which supposedly teaches men how to pull attractive women. My main beef with Neil is that he gives my beloved flirting a bad name. He represents and propagates flirting in a way which just isn't true.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
relationship foibles
Yesterday afternoon, at an event held at a trendy bar in central London, I spent the afternoon sipping champagne, while advising journalists on their relationships, or in the case of some, their lack thereof.
You see, I was acting as the ‘relationships expert’ in a product launch for Johnson and Johnson’s products. And, while there were a few blissfully happy women, who even after three plus years of being with their partners couldn’t find a single flaw in their relationships (in this case it was I who had a few questions for them) the majority brought up the same issues. Unfortunately, I had to tactfully advise one that she should break up with her boyfriend. I can just imagine her going home that evening and saying, “Jon, we need to talk. Although, I only talked with her for 3 minutes, the relationships expert at an event that I went to today has advised me to dump you. See ya!” With the exception of this extreme situation (where she already knew what she had to do anyways, I was simply repeating back to her what she had said to me) it appears that lack of time, and different communication styles, were at the root of most problems.
In this posting, I will address the issue of time. No one ever has enough of it. Once we accept this, we can move on from there. Since we will never have the magical 25 hour day, we must learn to prioritize. It seemed like work was infringing on a lot of ‘quality’ time between the couples. A simple question was to ask, was which is a higher priority, work or your relationship? Whichever answer one chooses (and it might not always be the relationship, which if this is the case, a few more questions would need to be addressed) then you put more time into that priority.
Many times, we get so swept up in the routine of our every day lives, that we lose sight of what is important. If all else fails, look at the bigger picture and remember your priorities. In ten years time, what will your memories be made of, the ‘important’ meeting which made you cancel your theatre plans with your partner, or your partner buying you ice cream at the intermission of the Lion King and the two of you ending up with chocolate all over your faces? Now, go sort it out…
You see, I was acting as the ‘relationships expert’ in a product launch for Johnson and Johnson’s products. And, while there were a few blissfully happy women, who even after three plus years of being with their partners couldn’t find a single flaw in their relationships (in this case it was I who had a few questions for them) the majority brought up the same issues. Unfortunately, I had to tactfully advise one that she should break up with her boyfriend. I can just imagine her going home that evening and saying, “Jon, we need to talk. Although, I only talked with her for 3 minutes, the relationships expert at an event that I went to today has advised me to dump you. See ya!” With the exception of this extreme situation (where she already knew what she had to do anyways, I was simply repeating back to her what she had said to me) it appears that lack of time, and different communication styles, were at the root of most problems.
In this posting, I will address the issue of time. No one ever has enough of it. Once we accept this, we can move on from there. Since we will never have the magical 25 hour day, we must learn to prioritize. It seemed like work was infringing on a lot of ‘quality’ time between the couples. A simple question was to ask, was which is a higher priority, work or your relationship? Whichever answer one chooses (and it might not always be the relationship, which if this is the case, a few more questions would need to be addressed) then you put more time into that priority.
Many times, we get so swept up in the routine of our every day lives, that we lose sight of what is important. If all else fails, look at the bigger picture and remember your priorities. In ten years time, what will your memories be made of, the ‘important’ meeting which made you cancel your theatre plans with your partner, or your partner buying you ice cream at the intermission of the Lion King and the two of you ending up with chocolate all over your faces? Now, go sort it out…
Friday, 30 November 2007
Unique signals of sexuality
I recently returned from a holiday in Dubai. What a fascinating place! The mixture of the local Emiratis, only making up only 20% of the population, the large amount of low-wage labourers, mostly made up of Indians and Pakistanis, and the ex-pat contingency, consisting of Brits, Aussies, and a few North Americans, makes for an interesting mix of culture.
Each of these cultures, has their own style of flirting, and, the locals would have a different idea as to what flirting is then the ex-pats. In fact, 'flirting' seems to have a disreputable reputation in Dubai. Poor flirting is *so* misunderstood.
However, I noticed an interesting trend amongst the Emirati women(and I specify Emirati because saying 'Arab' women when referring to the women in one country would be like saying 'Europeans' when referring only to the French) is to wear very strong perfumes. Which, I can only assume, is a way to still show their femininity, beneath a long, black, cloak. Because most of their body and hair is covered, thereby eliminating the traditional way that women have embodied their womanliness, Emirati have found other ways, even if it's less obvious. This includes perfectly manicured and pedicured digits, as well as flashes of fabulous jewelry beneath the burkas.
This shows us that just as there is no obvious formula to flirting, signals of sexuality also differ according to context. But, if you look closely, it's always there.
Each of these cultures, has their own style of flirting, and, the locals would have a different idea as to what flirting is then the ex-pats. In fact, 'flirting' seems to have a disreputable reputation in Dubai. Poor flirting is *so* misunderstood.
However, I noticed an interesting trend amongst the Emirati women(and I specify Emirati because saying 'Arab' women when referring to the women in one country would be like saying 'Europeans' when referring only to the French) is to wear very strong perfumes. Which, I can only assume, is a way to still show their femininity, beneath a long, black, cloak. Because most of their body and hair is covered, thereby eliminating the traditional way that women have embodied their womanliness, Emirati have found other ways, even if it's less obvious. This includes perfectly manicured and pedicured digits, as well as flashes of fabulous jewelry beneath the burkas.
This shows us that just as there is no obvious formula to flirting, signals of sexuality also differ according to context. But, if you look closely, it's always there.
Thursday, 8 November 2007
The Overland Romeo
The other day, as I sat down on a near-empty overland train, and dutifully started reading my newspaper, I couldn't help but to first notice a very attractive man sitting a few sections away. I notice it's best to sit far away from your subject in these situations, in order to properly check them out. If they are too close, you just can't get the same perusal time; you wouldn't dare.
As he was sitting rather far away, it was hard to tell for sure, but it seemed like he was also perusing me. Before long, he got up from his seat, feigned interest in the train map on the wall, and then asked me if I knew how long it took to get to Stratford. I was impressed by his assertiveness, and his tall, dark, and handsome exterior, so I replied very politely that I was sorry, but I didn't know. I then went back to reading my newspaper. (hey, this is London after all!) Not to be dismissed so easily, he sat down across from me, and asked a few more questions about this place called Stratford which, we both knew, was a guise for chatting to me.
From his behaviour, I knew that he was new to London. No matter which country you are from, after being in London for a certain amount of time, everyone becomes trained to the do's and do not's of 'proper' behaviour. Sadly, this is how it works. My suspicions were correct: he was a newbie. He had only been here for 7 months. We enjoyed a pleasant conversation on the train, and three stops away from my departure point, I made the decision to give him my number because he knew, as soon as he sat down, that he was going to get it. Like the precision of the timings of the overland trains, the question came exactly3 minutes before my alighting point. I thought, why not?
I got home and told my English friend that I had just met someone on the train. The fact that I had the flu, was wearing tennis shoes, no-make-up, had hair like a rat's nest, and that somebody wanted to chat me up was not the surprising part for her, it was that I had given my number to a 'complete stranger'. I replied,"It's not like I gave him my address and a map." Besides, I had met my last boyfriend because he was working at the call centre where I had to continuously call. The man I almost married, I met sitting outside a cafe in Singapore. In fact, I teach people how to meet others in day-to-day settings, so all I could do was explain it as a cultural difference between British and American styles. It's much easier to meet new people in American culture than it is in British culture. For the latter, it's necessary to be 'introduced' to someone or meet in designated circumstances, such as school, uni, or work, in order to forge a relationship with someone.
As for my overland romeo, I am not expecting fireworks and roses, but it's nice to see that people can still meet others in day-to-day places, even when they have the flu and are sucking on Strepsils.
As he was sitting rather far away, it was hard to tell for sure, but it seemed like he was also perusing me. Before long, he got up from his seat, feigned interest in the train map on the wall, and then asked me if I knew how long it took to get to Stratford. I was impressed by his assertiveness, and his tall, dark, and handsome exterior, so I replied very politely that I was sorry, but I didn't know. I then went back to reading my newspaper. (hey, this is London after all!) Not to be dismissed so easily, he sat down across from me, and asked a few more questions about this place called Stratford which, we both knew, was a guise for chatting to me.
From his behaviour, I knew that he was new to London. No matter which country you are from, after being in London for a certain amount of time, everyone becomes trained to the do's and do not's of 'proper' behaviour. Sadly, this is how it works. My suspicions were correct: he was a newbie. He had only been here for 7 months. We enjoyed a pleasant conversation on the train, and three stops away from my departure point, I made the decision to give him my number because he knew, as soon as he sat down, that he was going to get it. Like the precision of the timings of the overland trains, the question came exactly3 minutes before my alighting point. I thought, why not?
I got home and told my English friend that I had just met someone on the train. The fact that I had the flu, was wearing tennis shoes, no-make-up, had hair like a rat's nest, and that somebody wanted to chat me up was not the surprising part for her, it was that I had given my number to a 'complete stranger'. I replied,"It's not like I gave him my address and a map." Besides, I had met my last boyfriend because he was working at the call centre where I had to continuously call. The man I almost married, I met sitting outside a cafe in Singapore. In fact, I teach people how to meet others in day-to-day settings, so all I could do was explain it as a cultural difference between British and American styles. It's much easier to meet new people in American culture than it is in British culture. For the latter, it's necessary to be 'introduced' to someone or meet in designated circumstances, such as school, uni, or work, in order to forge a relationship with someone.
As for my overland romeo, I am not expecting fireworks and roses, but it's nice to see that people can still meet others in day-to-day places, even when they have the flu and are sucking on Strepsils.
'Love Trap'
I was watching the new series 'Love Trap' last night. The premise is to take one, young, good-looking, Swedish female, mix her with a Brit, an Italian, a German, a Ugandan (?), an Italian, and an Australian, bake for 30 minutes, and enjoy. The premise, which is based on national stereotypes, revolves around the notion that, 'Italian men will act like this' and 'A German man would do this'. Unfortunately, one person cannot represent the actions/thoughts of a whole nation. (I know, it's very unfortunate for t.v. land that it can't be wrapped up in a tidier package)
The premise of the show was taken from the much-loved show called 'Tourist trap' which still revolved around stereotypes and huge generalizations, but had a bit more validity, considering it was based on the actions of 15 people, rather than just one!
The good news is that while watching this programme, I took vigorous mental notes about sections which were good and which sections could definitely be improved (for example, the contestant selection process. If you are going to base the actions of one person as a representation of a whole culture, then at least make sure this person embodies all of our presumptions about that culture!) Funnily enough, as I sat down at my computer, with my list of suggestions, I was called by the producer of the show, asking if I had seen it and wanting to know my thoughts on the program. Watch this space-with an Anthropologist's assistance, we might see a new and improved Love Trap on our screens, very soon. (and ladies, I will make sure they choose some nice eye candy next time!)
The premise of the show was taken from the much-loved show called 'Tourist trap' which still revolved around stereotypes and huge generalizations, but had a bit more validity, considering it was based on the actions of 15 people, rather than just one!
The good news is that while watching this programme, I took vigorous mental notes about sections which were good and which sections could definitely be improved (for example, the contestant selection process. If you are going to base the actions of one person as a representation of a whole culture, then at least make sure this person embodies all of our presumptions about that culture!) Funnily enough, as I sat down at my computer, with my list of suggestions, I was called by the producer of the show, asking if I had seen it and wanting to know my thoughts on the program. Watch this space-with an Anthropologist's assistance, we might see a new and improved Love Trap on our screens, very soon. (and ladies, I will make sure they choose some nice eye candy next time!)
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
'New Trends'
There seems to be a new trend amongst women and men; at least, this is what the media is portraying. In the last week, I have been contacted by both a newspaper journalist and a documentary team for Channel Four about the subject of women paying for escorts. The poor, male, documentary researcher, only having the perspective of a poor, male, documentary researcher, was convinced that older women only pay for sex because they don't have the ability to 'pick-up' at bars anymore. Little did he realize, that other issues might be involved. Such as, why should she sit in a smelly old pub, when she can just 'dial-a-man' and one can come to her doorstep?
There was also the 'new trend' of older women, perhaps recently divorced, having relations with younger 'toy boys'. The shock, the horror, the fun!!! What these two trends have in common is a recent shift in economics for women. Unlike previous generations, where a woman was more likely to work in the home and therefore have less access to hard currency, she is now aspiring to a similar economic freedom as men.
Another factor is societies shifting attitudes towards what constitutes a relationship. As we move furthur away from the stifling, yet traditional model of male/female, monogamous relationships and more towards an openness about different types of relationships, ones which are less stringent, we will see things such as gay marriages becoming more accepted, and older women choosing to buy their buff, younger men, Armani suits and Gucci watches.
There was also the 'new trend' of older women, perhaps recently divorced, having relations with younger 'toy boys'. The shock, the horror, the fun!!! What these two trends have in common is a recent shift in economics for women. Unlike previous generations, where a woman was more likely to work in the home and therefore have less access to hard currency, she is now aspiring to a similar economic freedom as men.
Another factor is societies shifting attitudes towards what constitutes a relationship. As we move furthur away from the stifling, yet traditional model of male/female, monogamous relationships and more towards an openness about different types of relationships, ones which are less stringent, we will see things such as gay marriages becoming more accepted, and older women choosing to buy their buff, younger men, Armani suits and Gucci watches.
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