The Internet never ceases to amaze me. Not only does it enable you to find the perfect margarita recipe, locate your nearest belly dancing class, and check the price on tickets to Cuba, it also enables 24 year-old boys in Brazil to ask me for flirting advice.
I received the sweetest email from Paolo (name has been changed to protect the innocent) who needed advice about a girl at his college. I have to say that my two younger brothers, and all of their friends, have been asking me for advice on the fairer gender for years. This brought back fond memories.
The reason I am writing a blog on this topic, besides the fact I am delighted to be giving flirting advice to people who dance samba, is that Paolo's dilemma is very common. And, in fact, can be found all over the world. Paolo and a lovely lady at his school have been exchanging smiles. Paolo can feel there is something in her smile, while his friends say that he is just imagining it. First of all, whatever you do, don't listen to your friends! They have biased opinions and their own subjective views playing in their heads. You are the one feeling/experiencing this, not them. As I learned from my research on flirting, good flirting is not one-sided. It takes two to samba!
Paolo is wondering what he should do. I told him, as I will tell you, because you are probably in the same dilemma, that you should talk to her. She is sending you a 'signal of approachability' by always smiling at you. Most likely, she is waiting for you to go over and talk to her. In fact, if you don't, she will assume that you don't like her.
Besides, what is the harm of talking to a beautiful girl? If you don't have any motives or agendas when you begin the conversation (ahem....boys!) then there isn't anything to lose. Besides, worst case scenario is that she is not interested, and then you go find the many others who are interested. It's a win/win situation.
Okay, next query?
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Guest blog on playing hard to get
It seems the blog on economic scarcity and economics of the heart caused quite a reaction. Here is one of the responses that I particularly liked, from someone who works in the business of risks and probability.
"Individuals search around for a flirt/mate etc. They identify a
potential individual who is likely to respond positively. Everyone wants
to be liked / loved, so they are never going to flirt with someone
who is likely to reject them. No one wants rejection. That is the
"normal" market.
Therefore, playing hard to get just prices you out of the market
normal. The price of playing hard to get is too high for someone who
places a high probability on the pay-off being rejection. The only
way playing hard to get will work is if the initial flirt has a non-
normal expectation of the probability of rejection. They may well
also be a "hard to get" person, but identifying the same type brings
on a challenge. They are operating in their own market.
Individuals should stick to the market in which they are
comfortable. Why do people go to clubs to meet people? Because they
would be keen to meet people who go to clubs. Why do people play hard
to get, because they want to be highly selective and meet only the
same small minority of the niche market that also plays hard to get."
What do you all think? Do people play 'hard to get' in order to meet other highly selective people?
"Individuals search around for a flirt/mate etc. They identify a
potential individual who is likely to respond positively. Everyone wants
to be liked / loved, so they are never going to flirt with someone
who is likely to reject them. No one wants rejection. That is the
"normal" market.
Therefore, playing hard to get just prices you out of the market
normal. The price of playing hard to get is too high for someone who
places a high probability on the pay-off being rejection. The only
way playing hard to get will work is if the initial flirt has a non-
normal expectation of the probability of rejection. They may well
also be a "hard to get" person, but identifying the same type brings
on a challenge. They are operating in their own market.
Individuals should stick to the market in which they are
comfortable. Why do people go to clubs to meet people? Because they
would be keen to meet people who go to clubs. Why do people play hard
to get, because they want to be highly selective and meet only the
same small minority of the niche market that also plays hard to get."
What do you all think? Do people play 'hard to get' in order to meet other highly selective people?
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
Smiley and Busty's train encounter
I was in the corner observing, which is my favourite place to be when I am not in the thick of the action. The setting was the overland train. The two subjects were a small and smiley Indian man and a Busty Black woman. They both stood at the door waiting for their freedom. The smiley one said to the busty one, "How are you today?" The busty one looked alarmed, visibly prayed that the doors would open, and said with a forced politeness, "Fine, thank you". She then proceeded to put on the sour 'London face' and look anywhere but at him. Ouch! If that man ever gets up enough courage to say hello to another human being, let alone a woman, I will be very proud of him.
For the rest of my journey, I pondered what would have made Busty respond in such an unnecessarily, unfriendly manner. I came up with three hypotheses.
1) Busty's dog had been run over by a car earlier that day and she was still in a state of shock and grief.
2) Busty assumed that because a strange man had said hello to her, that he obviously wanted something that she was not willing to give...
3) Busty is not comfortable gracefully exiting conversations. I refer back to an earlier post and again, stress that those people who are most comfortable getting out of conversations, are more likely to get into them in the first place. Busty must not have felt adept at exchanging one minute pleasantries with smiley Indian men and then leaving.
Or, it could be a completely different reason. But, at the end of the day, I always go back to humanity. Why can't we all just be nice to each other? (This is assuming the other person isn't a complete eejit!) I am sure the flirting revolution will catch on when everyone realizes how much more enjoyable life is when we are sweet instead of sour.
For the rest of my journey, I pondered what would have made Busty respond in such an unnecessarily, unfriendly manner. I came up with three hypotheses.
1) Busty's dog had been run over by a car earlier that day and she was still in a state of shock and grief.
2) Busty assumed that because a strange man had said hello to her, that he obviously wanted something that she was not willing to give...
3) Busty is not comfortable gracefully exiting conversations. I refer back to an earlier post and again, stress that those people who are most comfortable getting out of conversations, are more likely to get into them in the first place. Busty must not have felt adept at exchanging one minute pleasantries with smiley Indian men and then leaving.
Or, it could be a completely different reason. But, at the end of the day, I always go back to humanity. Why can't we all just be nice to each other? (This is assuming the other person isn't a complete eejit!) I am sure the flirting revolution will catch on when everyone realizes how much more enjoyable life is when we are sweet instead of sour.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Handsome on the Hammersmith or pug ugly on the Piccadilly?
I was having coffee with a Greek friend of mine the other day, and, of course being Greek, means he has at least two P.h.d.'s. He mentioned that some tube lines on the underground had better looking people on them than others. He shared that he was a great advocate of the central and circle lines, and he wasn't so fond of the pickings on the Piccadilly line. Considering I have spent a good deal of my time in London living in the centre, or cycling, I can't say that I've been underground enough to 'test' if these theories were accurate. (If, in fact, they can be tested. I still believe everyone has different tastes as to what is considered good-looking)
Later that night, we were having dinner with a happily ever now hybrid of an American woman and her British, public school boy partner. We asked them what they thought of this hypothesis. 'Well, we met on the circle line 7 years ago' they said. Apparently, they were believers.
I still think we need a much bigger sample size before we can draw any conclusions.So, that is why I ask you, my dear readers. Do different lines have better looking people than others? And, I have usually said that the tube is a bad place to meet people. Due to lack of personal space, it's often seen as threatening to make extended eye contact with others. The way we give people space in a situation where there isn't much space, is to not make direct eye contact. This is why people are looking up, down, or anywhere but at you! But, what do you think? Is the tube a good place to meet others?
Later that night, we were having dinner with a happily ever now hybrid of an American woman and her British, public school boy partner. We asked them what they thought of this hypothesis. 'Well, we met on the circle line 7 years ago' they said. Apparently, they were believers.
I still think we need a much bigger sample size before we can draw any conclusions.So, that is why I ask you, my dear readers. Do different lines have better looking people than others? And, I have usually said that the tube is a bad place to meet people. Due to lack of personal space, it's often seen as threatening to make extended eye contact with others. The way we give people space in a situation where there isn't much space, is to not make direct eye contact. This is why people are looking up, down, or anywhere but at you! But, what do you think? Is the tube a good place to meet others?
Monday, 14 April 2008
The social 'evolution' of evolutionary psychology
Evolutionary psychology has long been regarded as the answer to explaining why we are attracted to certain individuals. By looking at how our preferences have evolved, in regards to sexual selection of mates, the theories of evolutionary psychology outline very clearly who is the most desirable amongst us and who is least likely to pass on their genes. However, such theories disregard a few critical points. In our modern-day society, not everyone’s main goal is to pass on genes; for some, it’s to enjoy a successful career, for others, it’s to travel the world. Our present criteria do not necessarily coincide with our evolutionary ancestor’s. Additionally, evolutionary psychology ignores the all- important social factors which also affect the choosing of a mate, factors such as who do I enjoy spending time with, and who is least likely to reject my advances.
In a study done in the 90’s, by a proponent of evolutionary psychology, David Buss found that men were universally attracted to young, good-looking females, whose physical features indicated their fertility potential, while women, were drawn to powerful males with money. In their book ‘The Psychology of Physical Attraction’ Swami and Furnham explain the allure of this theory by saying, “The fundamental theories of evolutionary theory are clear, testable, and easily understood, which makes it intuitively appealing.”
But many theories proposed by evolutionary psychology as to why we did things in the past, are not applicable in our present day. In many western societies, women’s earning potential matches men’s, therefore deeming it unnecessary to opt for older males with money. Do you think Ashton Kutcher’s earning potential is on the mind of Demi as they snuggle up for a good night’s sleep? Equally, men do not necessarily go for youth when flirting to find a mate, because due to advances in medical technology, women are able to bear children at a much later age in life. And, as mentioned previously, our ancestors’ goals of propagating the species, aren’t necessarily our own. Therefore, the all-important signals of fertility, such as youth and hip to waist ratios, have been replaced by more relevant, social indicators, such as signals of approachability, as in, who will not reject me?!
At the end of the day, it's less about waist/hip ratio and more about who will make us feel special, unique, and understood. In my own research, where I asked over 250 people what sort of characteristics they are attracted to, the majority began listing personality characteristics before physical one. This point alone is very indicative as to what people value as important. Secondly, there was never a clear pattern in responses as to physical traits which were universally appealing, at least in a European/North American context. (Except for the French who preferred "Bruce Willis"/"Winona Ryder" types)
As the great Marlene Dietrich said, “The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs”
In a study done in the 90’s, by a proponent of evolutionary psychology, David Buss found that men were universally attracted to young, good-looking females, whose physical features indicated their fertility potential, while women, were drawn to powerful males with money. In their book ‘The Psychology of Physical Attraction’ Swami and Furnham explain the allure of this theory by saying, “The fundamental theories of evolutionary theory are clear, testable, and easily understood, which makes it intuitively appealing.”
But many theories proposed by evolutionary psychology as to why we did things in the past, are not applicable in our present day. In many western societies, women’s earning potential matches men’s, therefore deeming it unnecessary to opt for older males with money. Do you think Ashton Kutcher’s earning potential is on the mind of Demi as they snuggle up for a good night’s sleep? Equally, men do not necessarily go for youth when flirting to find a mate, because due to advances in medical technology, women are able to bear children at a much later age in life. And, as mentioned previously, our ancestors’ goals of propagating the species, aren’t necessarily our own. Therefore, the all-important signals of fertility, such as youth and hip to waist ratios, have been replaced by more relevant, social indicators, such as signals of approachability, as in, who will not reject me?!
At the end of the day, it's less about waist/hip ratio and more about who will make us feel special, unique, and understood. In my own research, where I asked over 250 people what sort of characteristics they are attracted to, the majority began listing personality characteristics before physical one. This point alone is very indicative as to what people value as important. Secondly, there was never a clear pattern in responses as to physical traits which were universally appealing, at least in a European/North American context. (Except for the French who preferred "Bruce Willis"/"Winona Ryder" types)
As the great Marlene Dietrich said, “The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs”
Signals of approachability
By the time he has come up to you and said,'Fancy a drink' he might be thinking the whole thing was his ingenious idea, but this might not always be the case. Psychologist Monica Moore, has spent more than 3,000 hours observing the flirting behaviour of women in various contexts. According to Moore, not only did women initiate the flirting encounters two-thirds of the time but they used non-verbal communication, leaving men to believe that they were the ones who started it. Not only that, the women who were the most successful, were the ones who sent the most signals. Says Moore, “Those who displayed more than 35 displays per hour elicited greater than four approaches per hour.” She also notes, “The more variety the woman used in her techniques, the more likely she was to be successful.” It seems these days, men are less concerned about the golden .7, hip-waist ratio, and more concerned with who is least likely to reject their advances.
I found similar results about the importance of approachability signals in my research, comparing the flirting habits of singles in six, Western European and North American cities. When asked the question, “What makes you want to flirt with someone?” The most common responses for London males were ‘smiles’ and ‘she looks approachable’.
London males stressed that looks were important (although their answer as to what is attractive varied considerably) but they also were quick to emphasize that looks alone weren’t enough. As Alex, 30, said, “I’m not going to flirt with someone just because she has a great body or is a great dresser”.
The danger in conforming to evolutionary psychologies well-worn theories, which dictate a woman’s best means in attracting a man is her physical attractiveness and for men, his power and money, gives people an unnecessary sense of helplessness, one that the advertising industry is more than happy to exploit. In the end, if your skin is not always spot-free (another indicator of evolutionary psychology to aid in mate selection) or you don’t pull in a six-figure salary, does not mean that there’s no hope for finding a worthy partner. It seems that showing signals of approachability is a much more important catalyst for attraction.
I found similar results about the importance of approachability signals in my research, comparing the flirting habits of singles in six, Western European and North American cities. When asked the question, “What makes you want to flirt with someone?” The most common responses for London males were ‘smiles’ and ‘she looks approachable’.
London males stressed that looks were important (although their answer as to what is attractive varied considerably) but they also were quick to emphasize that looks alone weren’t enough. As Alex, 30, said, “I’m not going to flirt with someone just because she has a great body or is a great dresser”.
The danger in conforming to evolutionary psychologies well-worn theories, which dictate a woman’s best means in attracting a man is her physical attractiveness and for men, his power and money, gives people an unnecessary sense of helplessness, one that the advertising industry is more than happy to exploit. In the end, if your skin is not always spot-free (another indicator of evolutionary psychology to aid in mate selection) or you don’t pull in a six-figure salary, does not mean that there’s no hope for finding a worthy partner. It seems that showing signals of approachability is a much more important catalyst for attraction.
Sunday, 13 April 2008
Does economic theory pertain to economics of the heart?
Economic theory's 'laws of scarcity' proffers that with less abundance a greater value is attached. If applying this theory to 'dating' terms, it means that the more highly valued individual would be the one who is less available. Therefore, this might lead us to the conclusion that 'playing hard to get' works. But, before we all rush out and say 'I'm busy' when the first person that we actually fancy asks us out, we must first ask the question 'Can the laws of economic theory be equally applicable in matters of the heart'?
Is it always true that 'we want what we can't have' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and other such useful (insert cynicism here) adages?
While these types of sayings might be fun and easy to throw around, their validity must be questioned. It is accepted, that as humans, we like to be liked. And, more importantly, we like people who like us. When choosing between someone who has given us little to no attention and someone who has given us their singular attention by making us feel understood, special, and unique, I think it's pretty fair to say that we will choose the latter rather than the former. So, why is this 'playing hard to get' notion, repeatedly championed as the premiere plan of action?
Some evolutionary psychologists propose that the purpose of playing hard to get is to signal to potential mates that we are not ‘easy’, and so we become more desirable as a result. Besides the fact that evolutionary psychology is a load of rubbish, studies by psychologists have shown this is not necessarily the case.
In a study by Walster (1973), college men were asked to each call five female participants and ask them out on a date. Those women who were deemed ‘easy to get’ and responded positively to the date were rated more favourably than those deemed ‘hard to get’ who responded with reluctance and acted as if they had other dates. Walster concluded that the most rewarding scenario is where the date is easy for us to get, but difficult for everyone else to get.
Going back to the law of economic scarcity and its relation to dating scarcity, I guess this means that while you might pay exorbitant amounts for honey collected by monks on the mountain tops of Tibet, it doesn't necessarily mean that you want your 'honey' to be just as scarce.
Is it always true that 'we want what we can't have' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and other such useful (insert cynicism here) adages?
While these types of sayings might be fun and easy to throw around, their validity must be questioned. It is accepted, that as humans, we like to be liked. And, more importantly, we like people who like us. When choosing between someone who has given us little to no attention and someone who has given us their singular attention by making us feel understood, special, and unique, I think it's pretty fair to say that we will choose the latter rather than the former. So, why is this 'playing hard to get' notion, repeatedly championed as the premiere plan of action?
Some evolutionary psychologists propose that the purpose of playing hard to get is to signal to potential mates that we are not ‘easy’, and so we become more desirable as a result. Besides the fact that evolutionary psychology is a load of rubbish, studies by psychologists have shown this is not necessarily the case.
In a study by Walster (1973), college men were asked to each call five female participants and ask them out on a date. Those women who were deemed ‘easy to get’ and responded positively to the date were rated more favourably than those deemed ‘hard to get’ who responded with reluctance and acted as if they had other dates. Walster concluded that the most rewarding scenario is where the date is easy for us to get, but difficult for everyone else to get.
Going back to the law of economic scarcity and its relation to dating scarcity, I guess this means that while you might pay exorbitant amounts for honey collected by monks on the mountain tops of Tibet, it doesn't necessarily mean that you want your 'honey' to be just as scarce.
Saturday, 12 April 2008
The brainwashing of biology
This morning I was a guest 'expert' on the Vanessa Feltz show. I was asked to comment on a recent study which reported that women could tell by a man's facial features whether he was looking for a one-night stand or a committed relationship. You will be unsurprised to hear me report that I thought the study was a load of rubbish.
Studies such as these are ignorant and misleading. I'm sorry to say, but life is not as simple as an absolute formula, big forehead + square jaw + close set eyes = gigolo...watch out! I believe that indicators such as an individual's stage in life, mood, levels of alcohol, and other contextual factors provide a much greater clue as to one's intentions than a square jaw.
Additionally, studies like this propagate the hegemonic view of masculinity which places women in constant pursuit of long-term relationships, trying to duck and weave their way out of purely sexual encounters. Again, it's not as straightforward as that. This is 2008, times have changed!
It's dangerous to link physical features to behavioural patterns or personality characteristics, as not only is the link false, but it supports racism, nationalism, stereotypes, and segregation, to name just a few of the nasties. Take it from the dumb blond.
Studies such as these are ignorant and misleading. I'm sorry to say, but life is not as simple as an absolute formula, big forehead + square jaw + close set eyes = gigolo...watch out! I believe that indicators such as an individual's stage in life, mood, levels of alcohol, and other contextual factors provide a much greater clue as to one's intentions than a square jaw.
Additionally, studies like this propagate the hegemonic view of masculinity which places women in constant pursuit of long-term relationships, trying to duck and weave their way out of purely sexual encounters. Again, it's not as straightforward as that. This is 2008, times have changed!
It's dangerous to link physical features to behavioural patterns or personality characteristics, as not only is the link false, but it supports racism, nationalism, stereotypes, and segregation, to name just a few of the nasties. Take it from the dumb blond.
Monday, 7 April 2008
There's a fine line between flirting experiences and encounters.
My annoyance with the complete absence of buses was exacerbated by the fact that it was almost mid-April and I was shivering under my winter coat. My discontent immediately dissipated as I looked up and realized I was being watched by a very handsome voyeur who had stepped outside the nearby restaurant for a smoke.
In the growing darkness we let our eyes meet for an unusually long time in order to register if indeed we were checking the other out. Once we both realized that we were, we immediately broke eye contact and then politely took turns looking at each other while the other one was pretending not to notice. As I admired the joie de vivre in which he inhaled his cigarette, I willed the bus not to come. I figured that if the bus took long enough, and I gave him enough signals of approachability in the darkness, he would eventually come over. Yeah right, who was I kidding? London males don't randomly come up to strangers at bus stops. This only happens in New York. And, because for the first time, I actually didn't want the bus to come, it came within moments. He saw it was coming too. Just to make sure that our subtle flirting wasn't a figment of my imagination, I gave him another glance as I got on the bus. Yep, he was definitely looking.
Now that I was safely on the bus, it was much easier to show my interest, and, as I made my way to the very back, I took a final look out the back window to make sure the whole thing wasn't just my imagination. It wasn't. He was still looking, or rather, we were still looking. As the bus pulled away, I thought of the New Yorkers responses to my flirting research. They indicated that they were never content with flirting just for flirting's sake, in the case of someone they fancied. In answer to the question what they would expect after an evening of flirting with someone they were attracted to, the majority answered they would only be happy if there was some tangible result at the end: a phone number, date, a shag, or a kiss. The idea of flirting, solely for the sake of it, did not bode well with the New Yorkers. They much preferred the tangible encounters. I heard of many woeful New Yorkers who had seen someone on the tube, made eye contact, didn't do anything about it, and ended up chagrining themselves for years to come. I gently tried to point out the joy in the experience, and that having an encounter wasn't always necessary. They told me to be quiet and offered me a bagel and lox.
I am a big fan of flirting 'experiences'. I believe that every contact with someone doesn't have to be huge and significant. Some experiences make you smile, some make you happy, some make you feel attractive, some make you feel wistful, some put you in touch with humanity. But, what if one of those experiences should have been an encounter, and, because it's such a fine line between the two, that you just couldn't see it? Then, what?
Well, I guess you just wait for the next one.
Flirting opportunities are like buses. Wait ten minutes and another will come along.
In the growing darkness we let our eyes meet for an unusually long time in order to register if indeed we were checking the other out. Once we both realized that we were, we immediately broke eye contact and then politely took turns looking at each other while the other one was pretending not to notice. As I admired the joie de vivre in which he inhaled his cigarette, I willed the bus not to come. I figured that if the bus took long enough, and I gave him enough signals of approachability in the darkness, he would eventually come over. Yeah right, who was I kidding? London males don't randomly come up to strangers at bus stops. This only happens in New York. And, because for the first time, I actually didn't want the bus to come, it came within moments. He saw it was coming too. Just to make sure that our subtle flirting wasn't a figment of my imagination, I gave him another glance as I got on the bus. Yep, he was definitely looking.
Now that I was safely on the bus, it was much easier to show my interest, and, as I made my way to the very back, I took a final look out the back window to make sure the whole thing wasn't just my imagination. It wasn't. He was still looking, or rather, we were still looking. As the bus pulled away, I thought of the New Yorkers responses to my flirting research. They indicated that they were never content with flirting just for flirting's sake, in the case of someone they fancied. In answer to the question what they would expect after an evening of flirting with someone they were attracted to, the majority answered they would only be happy if there was some tangible result at the end: a phone number, date, a shag, or a kiss. The idea of flirting, solely for the sake of it, did not bode well with the New Yorkers. They much preferred the tangible encounters. I heard of many woeful New Yorkers who had seen someone on the tube, made eye contact, didn't do anything about it, and ended up chagrining themselves for years to come. I gently tried to point out the joy in the experience, and that having an encounter wasn't always necessary. They told me to be quiet and offered me a bagel and lox.
I am a big fan of flirting 'experiences'. I believe that every contact with someone doesn't have to be huge and significant. Some experiences make you smile, some make you happy, some make you feel attractive, some make you feel wistful, some put you in touch with humanity. But, what if one of those experiences should have been an encounter, and, because it's such a fine line between the two, that you just couldn't see it? Then, what?
Well, I guess you just wait for the next one.
Flirting opportunities are like buses. Wait ten minutes and another will come along.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Are you flipping your hair or suffering from whiplash?
The other night I was hanging out with the 'boys' at my dear friend's birthday party. The last time I had seen the 'boys' was on London's sunny summer day at a picnic in Hyde Park. One of them reminded me that I brought a bag of crisps which they all politely turned down in lieu of carrot sticks. Ah, memories...
At the time of the picnic, which can more accurately be described as them munching carrot sticks and drinking Evian water and me eating, I had just finished my international flirting study. The boys wanted me to ask them some of the questions from my study. Interestingly, their answers were almost identical to those of the heterosexual boys. This made me start to consider that when it comes to men and women getting together, the only thing that stands in the way is the opposite sex!
This thought was confirmed at the party on Saturday, while I sat listening intently to 'flirting tips', being generously doled out by the boys. "Okay Jean, this is one of my favourites. I take out some lip balm and put it on my lips. Then, I say to him 'You look like you might need some too' and then I rub it on his lips. It works every time." Now, as skeptical as I was about this technique working between men and women, knowing this cutie, I bet it works well for him.
But, the problem with using this flirting technique on women, is that it just wouldn't work. In fact, I think that most women would be repulsed if a man they were flirting with did this to them. It all comes down to the different communication styles of men and women. Forgive me for generalizing for a moment, but men are much more direct and obvious in their flirting encounters, while women much prefer subtleties. The gay community has on their side the knowledge of how their gender communicates. There's none of the misinterpretation of a woman batting her eyelashes with the intention of appearing coy and demure and the man assuming she has something in her eye.
That's not to say that some of the issues in the straight community aren't shared in the gay community. One friend would woefully complain that he just couldn't find a boyfriend. He regaled tales of meeting many 'fit' men at various clubs, taking them home, having a wonderful time (I will spare you the details), and them leaving the next morning and never calling again.
I tried to show him that how would any of these men assume that he was looking for a committed relationship, when he met him in the arena of 'quick shag'? People only know what we tell them, so make sure that your message is clear.
And, speaking of messages, it might be easier to get your point across of you are communicating with the same sex but, a little dollop of empathy, mixed with a measure of good listening skills, makes communication with the opposite sex all the more achievable and interesting!
At the time of the picnic, which can more accurately be described as them munching carrot sticks and drinking Evian water and me eating, I had just finished my international flirting study. The boys wanted me to ask them some of the questions from my study. Interestingly, their answers were almost identical to those of the heterosexual boys. This made me start to consider that when it comes to men and women getting together, the only thing that stands in the way is the opposite sex!
This thought was confirmed at the party on Saturday, while I sat listening intently to 'flirting tips', being generously doled out by the boys. "Okay Jean, this is one of my favourites. I take out some lip balm and put it on my lips. Then, I say to him 'You look like you might need some too' and then I rub it on his lips. It works every time." Now, as skeptical as I was about this technique working between men and women, knowing this cutie, I bet it works well for him.
But, the problem with using this flirting technique on women, is that it just wouldn't work. In fact, I think that most women would be repulsed if a man they were flirting with did this to them. It all comes down to the different communication styles of men and women. Forgive me for generalizing for a moment, but men are much more direct and obvious in their flirting encounters, while women much prefer subtleties. The gay community has on their side the knowledge of how their gender communicates. There's none of the misinterpretation of a woman batting her eyelashes with the intention of appearing coy and demure and the man assuming she has something in her eye.
That's not to say that some of the issues in the straight community aren't shared in the gay community. One friend would woefully complain that he just couldn't find a boyfriend. He regaled tales of meeting many 'fit' men at various clubs, taking them home, having a wonderful time (I will spare you the details), and them leaving the next morning and never calling again.
I tried to show him that how would any of these men assume that he was looking for a committed relationship, when he met him in the arena of 'quick shag'? People only know what we tell them, so make sure that your message is clear.
And, speaking of messages, it might be easier to get your point across of you are communicating with the same sex but, a little dollop of empathy, mixed with a measure of good listening skills, makes communication with the opposite sex all the more achievable and interesting!
The hippocampus vs. the amygdala
I have a friend. We will call him timid Tim, both because sometimes he is timid, and because it’s fun to say. Timid Tim never fails to give off the wrong signals around a woman that he likes. Unfortunately, while Timid and I both know that he is only acting stand-offish because he really likes a particular woman, the poor woman interprets this behaviour as disinterest and wanders elsewhere.
We were at the pub on Saturday night and Timid was up to his usual tricks, once again. I am happy to report that the ending was happy, but he would have lost her if his good friend the ‘flirting expert’ hadn’t had been there to show him the error of his ways!
You see, in our daily lives, the hippocampus (the rational, ‘thinking’ part of the brain) and the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) usually shares the role of moderator between our heads and our hearts quite nicely. But, it appears in flirting situations, the amygdala takes over and all logical thought is discarded. This explains why intelligent, successful people turn into bumbling 16 year-olds in the presence of someone they fancy. Furthurmore, as a self-inflicted protective mechanism of the heart, people pretend to not be interested in someone they like. One of the great keys in flirting is to be able to convey this message of ‘I rather fancy you’ to the person whom you actually fancy.
If you are able to do this, it is very powerful (not to mention effective) because people respond to those who they feel like them. Let’s face it, we like to be liked! When given the choice between someone showing interest and attention and someone either ‘playing it cool’ or flitting around amongst everyone, we will choose the individual attention every time.
After a stern talking to with Timid, he made his interest in her much clearer. She in turn, reciprocated. The last I heard, they were having a beautiful Sunday lunch together.
We were at the pub on Saturday night and Timid was up to his usual tricks, once again. I am happy to report that the ending was happy, but he would have lost her if his good friend the ‘flirting expert’ hadn’t had been there to show him the error of his ways!
You see, in our daily lives, the hippocampus (the rational, ‘thinking’ part of the brain) and the amygdala (the emotional part of the brain) usually shares the role of moderator between our heads and our hearts quite nicely. But, it appears in flirting situations, the amygdala takes over and all logical thought is discarded. This explains why intelligent, successful people turn into bumbling 16 year-olds in the presence of someone they fancy. Furthurmore, as a self-inflicted protective mechanism of the heart, people pretend to not be interested in someone they like. One of the great keys in flirting is to be able to convey this message of ‘I rather fancy you’ to the person whom you actually fancy.
If you are able to do this, it is very powerful (not to mention effective) because people respond to those who they feel like them. Let’s face it, we like to be liked! When given the choice between someone showing interest and attention and someone either ‘playing it cool’ or flitting around amongst everyone, we will choose the individual attention every time.
After a stern talking to with Timid, he made his interest in her much clearer. She in turn, reciprocated. The last I heard, they were having a beautiful Sunday lunch together.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
Diet Coke can get you dates
No, I am not being sponsored by Diet Coke to write this blog entry, but it really does get you dates.
Case in point. I was perusing the soda selection at my neighbourhood shop, which is a very bad habit that I have gotten into lately thanks to my association with some fabulous, but major Diet Coke swilling women. Simple economics led me to purchase a case of it, rather than following my original intention, which was to buy one can. ('The savings' is my only defense) So, obviously lugging 24 cans of Diet Coke isn't a walk in the park. It's more like a long walk down the Edgware Rd. It's moments like these that I really miss cars. Not to actually drive it, but rather to be driven around in it.
After walking the first two blocks and working my biceps in a fashion that Arnold would be proud of, I finally had to admit defeat. I set the case down and started looking for someone to help me. I figured that as long as I would be making small talk with the kind-hearted person who would be carrying my 24 pack for me, I might as well choose someone whom I would like to look at while making small talk. Now, I know many of you would never dream of doing this, but what we tend to forget is that people like to help other people. When we help others, it makes us feel good. Flirting is all about making people feel good. Do you see how that works? The link is not quite as obvious as the ,"You look absolutely fantastic today' kind of feel good, but it's the same principle, nevertheless.
I found my cute helper and said,"Excuse me, this has gotten extremely heavy. Are you walking that way? Would you mind helping me?" The next thing I knew I was engaged in a lovely conversation. At the end of the street I thanked him profusely. He suggested we go out for drinks sometime. I pondered it for a moment, as he was lovely, but then decided to leave it at a nice, but brief encounter with humanity. "That's very kind of you, but I don't think so." He accepted the news graciously and we bid each other a fond farewell.
Now, at that last bit of the story, my friend said, "I would have felt obliged to give him my number." Errmm,,,why? Let's put things in perspective. Which one is the nicer thing to do?
Option A: Tell him upfront in a nice, but gentle manner, that the encounter was what is was.
Option B: Under obligation, give him your number making him think you like him more than you do and then proceed to either ignore his phone calls or make feeble excuses for not seeing him?
In any case, I am sure you will be glad to know that my Diet Coke got home safely at last and that there is a very pleased boy running around London knowing that he helped someone in distress. Ah, the humanity of it all.
Case in point. I was perusing the soda selection at my neighbourhood shop, which is a very bad habit that I have gotten into lately thanks to my association with some fabulous, but major Diet Coke swilling women. Simple economics led me to purchase a case of it, rather than following my original intention, which was to buy one can. ('The savings' is my only defense) So, obviously lugging 24 cans of Diet Coke isn't a walk in the park. It's more like a long walk down the Edgware Rd. It's moments like these that I really miss cars. Not to actually drive it, but rather to be driven around in it.
After walking the first two blocks and working my biceps in a fashion that Arnold would be proud of, I finally had to admit defeat. I set the case down and started looking for someone to help me. I figured that as long as I would be making small talk with the kind-hearted person who would be carrying my 24 pack for me, I might as well choose someone whom I would like to look at while making small talk. Now, I know many of you would never dream of doing this, but what we tend to forget is that people like to help other people. When we help others, it makes us feel good. Flirting is all about making people feel good. Do you see how that works? The link is not quite as obvious as the ,"You look absolutely fantastic today' kind of feel good, but it's the same principle, nevertheless.
I found my cute helper and said,"Excuse me, this has gotten extremely heavy. Are you walking that way? Would you mind helping me?" The next thing I knew I was engaged in a lovely conversation. At the end of the street I thanked him profusely. He suggested we go out for drinks sometime. I pondered it for a moment, as he was lovely, but then decided to leave it at a nice, but brief encounter with humanity. "That's very kind of you, but I don't think so." He accepted the news graciously and we bid each other a fond farewell.
Now, at that last bit of the story, my friend said, "I would have felt obliged to give him my number." Errmm,,,why? Let's put things in perspective. Which one is the nicer thing to do?
Option A: Tell him upfront in a nice, but gentle manner, that the encounter was what is was.
Option B: Under obligation, give him your number making him think you like him more than you do and then proceed to either ignore his phone calls or make feeble excuses for not seeing him?
In any case, I am sure you will be glad to know that my Diet Coke got home safely at last and that there is a very pleased boy running around London knowing that he helped someone in distress. Ah, the humanity of it all.
Friday, 28 March 2008
Life is good when it's sunny
Oh God, don't tell me it's raining again. These thoughts passed my head this morning as I looked out the window at the gloomy London weather. Although, I was instantly comforted when I realized these were also the lyrics which I sang with pleasure when I was in a band. It was actually one of my favourites.
Ah, weather. I think it's obvious, but weather has such an affect on whether someone is in the mood for flirting. And, according to my research on flirting, one's mood is the biggest factor which affects one's desire to flirt. This correlation became even more obvious during our small bout of sunshine and warm weather, the one in which we were naively fooled into thinking the last of Winter was over and Spring was upon us.
During this small period of flirting frenzy, I looked around me and noticed there were actually human beings underneath forms which I once thought were only thick coats and woolly hats. Let's face it, life is good when it's sunny. And I, for one, am ready for the honking cars and the random smiles again. Bring on the sun!
Ah, weather. I think it's obvious, but weather has such an affect on whether someone is in the mood for flirting. And, according to my research on flirting, one's mood is the biggest factor which affects one's desire to flirt. This correlation became even more obvious during our small bout of sunshine and warm weather, the one in which we were naively fooled into thinking the last of Winter was over and Spring was upon us.
During this small period of flirting frenzy, I looked around me and noticed there were actually human beings underneath forms which I once thought were only thick coats and woolly hats. Let's face it, life is good when it's sunny. And I, for one, am ready for the honking cars and the random smiles again. Bring on the sun!
Flirting is fun and you get free stuff!
I still believe that the best flirting happens when it is motive-free. When someone has an agenda when flirting, whether it's to get a promotion, a date, or a discount, it just doesn't work. And, I guess, it all stems back from the fact that in order to feel the glow of a good flirting encounter, in all of it's majestic glory, it has to be about making the other person feel special. Without sounding too 'new-agey' it's only when you give freely that you can truly receive.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
To this end, I just got back from the fruit, veg, and flower market. I ended up with an extra carton of strawberries and a pot of Hyacinths, thanks to the lovely and generous stall owners. Give unselfishly to others and you will bask in the returns (even if that is not your intention, bien sur) Oh yes, and visit the Church street market in London for the freshest fruit and veg. Pop in and say hi to me as long as you're in the area.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
How to cope with Valentine's day- Do something pseudo intellectual
Woman, representing Lust, tilting against a knight, from the Breviary of Renaud de BarThe Sassinator knows how to get me to accompany her to any event that she likes, simply by being sassy, and by saying words which she know will resonate with me and leaving out words that she know won't fly. Because of the words: British library, music, and wine, and 'forgetting' to mention 'pre-valentine's event for singles', means that I will be observing singles behaviour at the British library tonight. And, since I have given up men for lent, means I will be practicing harmless flirting...
Monday, 4 February 2008
The Game and its losers...
It had been a fabulous day, a much needed one, to break up the dreariness and gloom of a January in London. I had spent the afternoon lunching and laughing with my one of my favourite people, my amazing book agent, only to be followed by a long overdue cake and catch up with one of my oldest London friends (whom, incidentally, I had met on the Northern line seven years ago).
As I made my way up the tube escalator of my home station, a man behind me said, “Can I ask you your opinion about a new business idea?” Always happy to brainstorm ideas with a budding entrepreneur, I said “Sure, let’s hear it.” He told me the basics. His idea had to do with setting up a dating service for strangers to meet on the tube. Maybe this should have been my first cue to be suspicious? As I asked him some general questions, such as, had he done any research to prove that there was actually a need for this service, because for myself, I offered, I actually enjoyed the quiet time on the tube to read my newspaper, he said that he had ‘loads’ of research. I asked him what his sample size was and he assured me that ‘millions’ of people wanted this service. It was his impossibly high sample size, the fact that he didn’t seem to be listening at all to my business suggestions, and the fact that he seemed to be more interested in where I was from, than anything else, that soon alerted me to his real motives. He needed a jolt back into reality. “Are you trying to chat me up, or do you really want my business advice?” I asked him. A bit surprised to have been found out, he told me that although he could ‘chat me up if he wanted, because he was a confident guy’ he only wanted my business advice. He then proceeded to interrupt me, cut me off, and talk about anything else. After asking me for my card and a polite, “I don’t think so” from me, I said good-bye and left.
There is only one conclusion. As confirmation to my friend’s suspicions at our champagne Sunday, this guy has been reading The Game: He is also the perfect example of why it doesn’t work. First of all, it’s not genuine. Women can spot a fake a mile away. And, contrary to the first rule of flirting, this interaction didn’t make me feel good. This is what flirting is all about! The interaction was completely one-sided. It was all about him, and whether he felt that he could impress me. Telling me how great he was, doesn’t usually do the trick. And, finally, he wasn’t comfortable, even though he was trying to fake it by telling me how ‘confident’ he was. Guys, this is not effective flirting! He would have done much better if he has approached me in an open and honest way, even simply saying, “Hello, you are looking lovely today.”
I sent my friend a text, confirming her suspicions about how flirtiness is being replaced by (pseudo) smoothness. I don’t like it one bit, and I am sure that I am not alone. Leave the smoothness for the New Yorkers or the Parisians. They are better at it and have much more experience. Don’t tamper with the shy, sweet, awkwardness of the Londoners. And, while we’re at it, can someone please take me back to a time where The Game and its disciples didn’t exist?
As I made my way up the tube escalator of my home station, a man behind me said, “Can I ask you your opinion about a new business idea?” Always happy to brainstorm ideas with a budding entrepreneur, I said “Sure, let’s hear it.” He told me the basics. His idea had to do with setting up a dating service for strangers to meet on the tube. Maybe this should have been my first cue to be suspicious? As I asked him some general questions, such as, had he done any research to prove that there was actually a need for this service, because for myself, I offered, I actually enjoyed the quiet time on the tube to read my newspaper, he said that he had ‘loads’ of research. I asked him what his sample size was and he assured me that ‘millions’ of people wanted this service. It was his impossibly high sample size, the fact that he didn’t seem to be listening at all to my business suggestions, and the fact that he seemed to be more interested in where I was from, than anything else, that soon alerted me to his real motives. He needed a jolt back into reality. “Are you trying to chat me up, or do you really want my business advice?” I asked him. A bit surprised to have been found out, he told me that although he could ‘chat me up if he wanted, because he was a confident guy’ he only wanted my business advice. He then proceeded to interrupt me, cut me off, and talk about anything else. After asking me for my card and a polite, “I don’t think so” from me, I said good-bye and left.
There is only one conclusion. As confirmation to my friend’s suspicions at our champagne Sunday, this guy has been reading The Game: He is also the perfect example of why it doesn’t work. First of all, it’s not genuine. Women can spot a fake a mile away. And, contrary to the first rule of flirting, this interaction didn’t make me feel good. This is what flirting is all about! The interaction was completely one-sided. It was all about him, and whether he felt that he could impress me. Telling me how great he was, doesn’t usually do the trick. And, finally, he wasn’t comfortable, even though he was trying to fake it by telling me how ‘confident’ he was. Guys, this is not effective flirting! He would have done much better if he has approached me in an open and honest way, even simply saying, “Hello, you are looking lovely today.”
I sent my friend a text, confirming her suspicions about how flirtiness is being replaced by (pseudo) smoothness. I don’t like it one bit, and I am sure that I am not alone. Leave the smoothness for the New Yorkers or the Parisians. They are better at it and have much more experience. Don’t tamper with the shy, sweet, awkwardness of the Londoners. And, while we’re at it, can someone please take me back to a time where The Game and its disciples didn’t exist?
Monday, 28 January 2008
Are men actually playing 'The Game'?
'Have you noticed more men starting random conversations?', was the first subject up for discussion at our champagne Sunday soiree. I had to admit, that other than the kind offer ' to be my stalker', which was put forth to me as I was perusing the sandwich selection at Sainsbury's the other day, I hadn't really noticed higher numbers of men than usual beginning conversations. But then again, I wouldn't necessarily even notice. Starting harmless and short conversations is perfectly normal to me. It's fun. It's harmless. It makes the day go by more smoothly. I am American, after all. I believe that it is possible to share a nice and friendly conversation with someone without either party having an agenda, or at least the woman. (I'm not completely naive).
In fact, not only do I teach people how to 'naturally' begin conversations with people in their day to day lives, but one of the points that I stress on my Flirting and Walking Tours of London is not to have an agenda when you have a conversation with someone. If all the variables are in place, the timing, the chemistry, the body language, then something could very well could transpire as a bonus, but the beginning conversation should be motive-free. Not only can women smell agendas a mile away, but not having one makes the interaction more relaxed and less pressured. My challenge to you this week is to see if you can have a conversation with a fit stranger and not think about anything other than the conversation, and, get the thought of stalking your victim right out of your pretty little head.
In fact, not only do I teach people how to 'naturally' begin conversations with people in their day to day lives, but one of the points that I stress on my Flirting and Walking Tours of London is not to have an agenda when you have a conversation with someone. If all the variables are in place, the timing, the chemistry, the body language, then something could very well could transpire as a bonus, but the beginning conversation should be motive-free. Not only can women smell agendas a mile away, but not having one makes the interaction more relaxed and less pressured. My challenge to you this week is to see if you can have a conversation with a fit stranger and not think about anything other than the conversation, and, get the thought of stalking your victim right out of your pretty little head.
Thursday, 17 January 2008
A perfect match can only happen in tennis
The ubiquitous 'perfect' partner, the one who we are all faithfully searching for, and few dare to ask, 'Does he/she really exist?' For to do so, would be the equivalent of signing oneself up for a lifetime of eternal solitude. Quelle horreur!
A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.
We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.
A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.
We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Breaking the rules of 'The Game'
Forgive me if I sounds a little harsh, but I can't stand Neil Strauss. For those of you who don't know him, he is the author of The Game, a book which supposedly teaches men how to pull attractive women. My main beef with Neil is that he gives my beloved flirting a bad name. He represents and propagates flirting in a way which just isn't true.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]
Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?
I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.
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