Are men actually playing 'The Game'?

'Have you noticed more men starting random conversations?', was the first subject up for discussion at our champagne Sunday soiree. I had to admit, that other than the kind offer ' to be my stalker', which was put forth to me as I was perusing the sandwich selection at Sainsbury's the other day, I hadn't really noticed higher numbers of men than usual beginning conversations. But then again, I wouldn't necessarily even notice. Starting harmless and short conversations is perfectly normal to me. It's fun. It's harmless. It makes the day go by more smoothly. I am American, after all. I believe that it is possible to share a nice and friendly conversation with someone without either party having an agenda, or at least the woman. (I'm not completely naive).

In fact, not only do I teach people how to 'naturally' begin conversations with people in their day to day lives, but one of the points that I stress on my Flirting and Walking Tours of London is not to have an agenda when you have a conversation with someone. If all the variables are in place, the timing, the chemistry, the body language, then something could very well could transpire as a bonus, but the beginning conversation should be motive-free. Not only can women smell agendas a mile away, but not having one makes the interaction more relaxed and less pressured. My challenge to you this week is to see if you can have a conversation with a fit stranger and not think about anything other than the conversation, and, get the thought of stalking your victim right out of your pretty little head.

A perfect match can only happen in tennis

The ubiquitous 'perfect' partner, the one who we are all faithfully searching for, and few dare to ask, 'Does he/she really exist?' For to do so, would be the equivalent of signing oneself up for a lifetime of eternal solitude. Quelle horreur!



A friend of mine recently went on a quest to find the perfect mate. Being a pragmatically minded woman, with very specific criteria for her 'perfect' mate, she deduced that it would be most sensible to sign up for a dating website. Believing the likelihood of her finding a man who plays three instruments, has an IQ of 140, is arty, likes her three fav obscure books and prefers to holiday in Rio would be more attainable from a database of 20,000 people then by meeting him randomly at a pub. Miracle of all miracles happened. She found this individual, who in theory, was her 'perfect' match. They dated for three months and then they broke up. "How could this be?" you might be exclaiming in disbelief. They were the perfect match! Well, they didn't have any chemistry. Mr. Perfect did not excite the senses. He was a nice guy, fine looking, and met all the above criteria, but when they were together, there just weren't any sparks.



We could conclude many things about my friend's situation. Firstly, if there is no chemistry, there is no relationship. And, secondly, the 'perfect' person does not exist: He/she is a figment of your imagination. (And since I am already crushing your dreams, I might as well tell you that there is no Santa Clause either.) The best plan of action is to stick to a few fundamental points which are imperative for you in a partner, and once you meet someone who matches those, just hope that you'll be so swept away by their positive points, that it will help you put up with their less fortunate points. Alternately, I hear the convent is still taking applications.

Breaking the rules of 'The Game'

Forgive me if I sounds a little harsh, but I can't stand Neil Strauss. For those of you who don't know him, he is the author of The Game, a book which supposedly teaches men how to pull attractive women. My main beef with Neil is that he gives my beloved flirting a bad name. He represents and propagates flirting in a way which just isn't true.

[You might have seen me commenting on his flirting strategies in the Dec article of Cosmopolitan U.K. Keeping Party Sharks at Bay' http://www.jean-smith.com/jean008.jpg]

Those of us who understand its real meaning, know that flirting is fun, light-hearted, and it's about making others feel good, which is then returned to us. Neil, unfortunately, views flirting as a self-gratifying action (again, which is about the farthest thing that flirting stands for) whose only merit is in making the person doing the manipulation receive some kind of superficial reward, usually at the other person's expense. For example, one of Neil's rules is to "Never focus on the girl and ignore her friends. This makes you look desperate." Hmmm, besides worrying about how others will perceive him, i.e. desperate, I wonder if Neil has also considered that ignoring her friends is just plain rude?

I am not surprised at his attitude, because even though Neil is considered god-like to millions of his disciples, he is still lacking the one thing needed to be a great flirt...believing in yourself, so that you can freely give to others, rather than taking away from them. This 'self-confessed, skinny, balding loser with women' who can now, apparently, pick-up any woman he wants, hasn't seemed to be able to shake his own self-conceptions. For if he had, he would be wanting to build people up during his time here on earth, rather than tear them down for his own selfish gains.